Facebook can turn even the most confident girl into a crazy stalker. Whether it’s clicking rapidly through photo albums and tagged pictures or checking out every. single. girl. who posts on your random hook-up’s wall, we’ve all been there. And that’s OK. It’s not like we’re sitting in a windowless van outside someone’s house for hours, watching their every move. No, we’re just reading what they wanted us to read. No privacy settings, no problem!
But while creepin’ on The Book is totes acceptable, there are some things that just aren’t. So if you’re so-bored-you-want-to-die at your summer job, or even if you’re just obsessed with finding out which of your long lost high school peers has gotten knocked up – if you want to keep your creeping under wraps, remember these few things when you go on a stalking expedition.
Do learn to close all of your tabs when you leave your laptop (or worse, the computer lab)! Actually… stick to Facebook stalking in private. If the evidence isn’t there, it never happened, right?
Do not creep from your cell phone! It’s much easier to accidentally click on something you didn’t mean to (i.e. “liking” your ex-boyfriend’s picture of him and his new lady friend) when using a touch screen. Trust me.
Do realize you need to draw the line somewhere. Checking to see that your ex downgraded with his new girl? Fine. But her friends, her ex-boyfriends, and her sorority sisters? Definitely a don’t.
Stick to sober stalking. Don’t log in after a few Vlad cocktails or when you return home from happy hour. Embarrassing spelling and grammar mistakes aside, no good comments could possibly happen after 2 AM.
Knowing that someone was a busboy for three years… Don’t go around mentioning that – or anything that can only be gleaned from a late night stalk sesh – in casual conversation. Holy awkward, Batman. Accidentally slip? DENY. DENY. DENY. And when all else fails, just blame it on your Newsfeed. That “creepfeed” shows everything these days.
Never, ever, EVER post comments and “like” a post of a person you’re stalking. Especially if that was a status update from 2007. I know what you’re thinking: “Who does that?!” But people do…and it’s creepy. The key here is to continue creeping without being noticed. Get it?
And if you notice that you got a little too carried away, DO step back from your Macbook and take a few deep breaths. Or start growing some sh*t on Farmville. Wait, on second thought, that is a definite don’t.