Seventeen Says the Darndest Things: Justin Bieber Edition

I’ll admit it. I’m a sucker for Justin Bieber‘s music. And I know I’m not the only one — earlier this month, his “Baby” video became the most watched YouTube video of all time, with over 271 MILLION views to date. There’s just something about his sweetly girlish voice and danceable beats that make his songs infectious.

So Seventeen decided to capitalize on Bieber Fever give their readers what they wanted most — an entire 68-page collector’s issue of the magazine devoted entirely to The Biebs. From a map of his “Tweetest Moments” (including the 14-hour period where, because J. Biebs hadn’t tweeted recently, death rumors emerged) to behind-the-scenes photos and tear-out posters, this issue was all Bieber, all the time.

But it wasn’t all fun and games — this special collector’s issue was informative, too. In a special quiz, I learned that I need a “Bieber-torial” to refresh my knowledge of The Biebs’ favorite color, favorite meal and dream girl. I learned that my fantasy night with Justin would be a candlelit dinner. And I also learned that his fans are CRAZY (Lia from Overland Park, Kansas, has a shrine to Justin in her room, and her parents refer to him as their “future son-in-law”). And Seventeen, as usual, feeds the fire, encouraging its readers that they can stand out by telling The Biebs about their mutual love for the Toronto Maple Leafs and that “getting Justin’s digits is possible.”

As usual, though, the highlight of the issue was a special section devoted to romance: “How to Prep for Your Date with JB.” Because there’s nothing better than encouraging the unrealistic expectations of millions of preteens by feeding into their obsessions. Not to mention the fact that the “essential” items they list (including Mentos — his favorite! — and Softlips Rose Tinted Lip Conditioner) are probably going to see record sales for the next year in fans’ attempts to win his affection.

Justin Says: “Nice eyes catch my attention. Long lashes do too.”
Seventeen Says:
Make your eyes look even larger by pumping up your lash length.
Norah Says:
Long lashes are pretty? I had no idea! The mascara industry suddenly makes so much more sense. In all seriousness, though, these are the types of groundbreaking tips girls are looking for?

Justin Says: “One of the first things I notice in a girl are her lips, because I like a pretty smile.”
Seventeen Says:
Once you have his attention, make sure your lips are silky smooth.
Norah Says:
J. Biebs likes a pretty smile — as opposed to most guys, who prefer when a girl grimaces? Note to self: lather on the lip balm. After this tip, Justin will never again have the misfortune of kissing a girl with chapped lips.

Justin Says: “I like a girl to wear what makes her feel the most comfortable with who she is.”
Seventeen Says:
Look cute and comfy in a $68 Juicy Couture tee with skinnies and flats.
Norah Says:
How ironic that Seventeen is publishing a guide of “never-fail tricks” that tell young women to buy specific products to catch Justin’s eye, when all he wants is a girl who is “comfortable with who she is.” I have a feeling the Seventeen readers who read this issue religiously and take note of Justin’s preferences are not the girls he’s looking for, but more power to them if a little mascara and a mint wins over the biggest teen pop star of 2010.

While they soak their lips in balm, though, I’ll be at home, downloading The Biebs’ top iPod picks for setting a romantic mood and gazing up at my new posters seeking counseling for my growing infatuation with a 16-year-old.

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