The Bachelorette: Another Happy Couple on a Cliff

I’m not gonna lie – after last night’s Bachelorette, I don’t really know what to think. My head is swirling with questions, my heart is hurting.

Why did that episode take a full 2 hours?
How many commercials can they really fit into one episode of a reality show?
How did Ali come from that family?
No seriously – was she adopted?
Milkman’s baby?
WTF?
Why would anyone NOT choose Chris L.?
Should I wear something low-cut in my Bachelor audition tape when I fight to guard and protect his heart be his dream wife?
Do you think he likes girls who don’t have perfect bodies (with super high belly buttons?)

So much to think about, so little time. But what it all comes down to is:
ALI CHOSE ROBERTO?

Here’s the deal: we all knew from the beginning that Ali had a thing for Robby. As she should – the guy is sexy whether he’s wearing a junk-squeezing harness, a plaid shirt, a cheap baseball uniform or a pair of khakis. Roberto is HOT. And sweet. And he knows how to speak Spanish, which is pretty damn sexy. And, despite the giant and unfortunate zit Ali had on her chin when he met her family, Roberto told her he loved her anyway… and gave her a cheesy picture frame.

Awwwww. Swoon. Melt.

But still, was all that physical stuff really enough to awkwardly step into Chris’s bungalow (with after-sex hair, no less), throw out every break-up cliche in 30 seconds (“You’re great….you’ll make someone happy….just because people like each other doesn’t mean they’re right for each other….do you know what I mean?”) and send him packing before he even got to play with yellow diamonds? I agree that it was a nice thing to do – Ali was trying to protect him from falling more in love, from putting on a suit and shaving and doing his hair and walking up that long ass path only to be dumped – but that didn’t make it hurt less to watch the love of my life break down on his porch for Chris.

Sure, Chris didn’t look like the best kisser (unless you’re into tongue jabbing), but he is the kind of guy any woman would dream of having as her husband. He’s tall, he’s hot, he’s sweet, he’s hilarious, he’s more than just dark skin and a butt chin. How could Ali just send that man packing on a little speed boat?

But more importantly: how did ABC get that rainbow over Bora Bora? Right? There’s no way that just happened. Nothing on this show “just happens.”

Whatever. Ali is with Roberto and, at the end of the day, whichever guy she chose, at least it wasn’t Jake Pavelka. Let’s just hope these two find as much happiness as Frank and Nicole, Trista and Ryan, Jason and Molly…. and, one day, Chris L. and Lauren – University of Michigan.

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