Back in the day (when I still had a MySpace account) Facebook was a brand new platform for social opportunity and getting to know people in college. I remember the days when my status was restricted by the word “is” and I only had 50 pictures tagged of myself at graduation parties and I thought I was super rad. Suddenly, My Space turned into the Britney Spears white trash of all social networks and I was spending the majority of my time on the blue and white pages of Facebook.
And like any social practice, social etiquette has hereby ensued. There are things on Facebook you just can’t do, either because they are annoying as sh*t or they can put you in danger.
I’m serious. If you want to save your plasma TV and your online reputation, read on.
1. List Details of Where You’re Going & When
Take this couple. The girl left a Facebook status saying was going out to a concert with her boyfriend, and her friend (since she was seven) busted into their house and stole their flat-screen TV right off their wall. Nice guy. La Lohan and Paris Hilton (amongst other D-list celebs) had similar experiences when they compulsively updated their Twitter status letting the world (or that annoying girl from that stupid show on E!) know when their homes were free for thievery. It’s time to stop giving everyone an itinerary of your life and live a little more mysteriously.
2. Poke Someone
I’ve come to the realization that poking someone either means A) You’re horny or B) Your horny and the poke button is closer than your Maxim magazine. It’s the oddest thing that it has come to that, but take the physical motion in consideration. It’s poking. Poking has only been “funny” in Superbad when ‘boop’ was birthed into pop culture. You can’t send that same message via Facebook. Poking it for people that want to get some. Don’t do it. Unless you want to get some, I guess.
3. Friend Your Parents & Your Parents’ Friends
Being friends with your parents is all fun and games until someone puts up a status update about 4/20 and someone’s mom comments asking what 4/20 is. (It happened.)
4. Use These Three Things as Profile Pic Material: Infant, Your Cat, Making Out W/Your Boyfriend
First of all, I don’t go on Facebook to creep on babies. When brand new parents post profile pictures of their new additions to their family, I want to grab a burping towel for myself. Just, ew. It’s not cute. And keep the BF/cat makeout sessions where they belong: on the dancefloor in your bedroom.
5. Accept the Friend Request from the Guy Wearing a Ski-Mask
This goes back to reason number one. If anyone resembles someone who is going to creep in your business and sport the same outfit when they break into your house, Ignore Friend Request.