After discovering that Justin Timberlake‘s restaurant, Southern Hospitality in NYC serves fried pickles, I obviously dragged my roommate, whom I lovingly refer to as JWowww, before last night’s new episode of Jersey Shore. Snooki was right: they totally take pickles to the next level.
And leave me completely nauseous and unable to fistpump for the rest of the night.
Despite the terrible, horrible, pregnant-with-fried-food feeling we had after dinner, we managed to drag ourselves back to the apartment to relish in a brand spanking new episode of Jersey Shore. However, this episode just wasn’t all GTL and beating the beat. This was the “hangover” episode of the premiere, and let me tell you, it was no prettier than puking up jager. The cast tackled some real issues (it was borderline an after-school special) and taught me a lot of important lessons:
Never Fall in Love at the Jersey Shore: When will Sammi and Ron Ron learn? I’d also like to enroll myself in the I.F.F. (I’m F*cked Foundation – of which Ronnie is the founder and member) due to the damage I did to my body with fried pickles and my unhealthy obsession with this series. Luckily, we were reassured that Ronnie and Sammi will be together through sickness and health, through roid rage and painful religious tattoos. But will it last when she realizes that he’s been with grenades? Only time will tell. Which brings me to my next point…
Deny, Deny, Deny: Whether you’ve been three-way kissing with uggos at the club or talking smack about Snooki’s boyfriend to JWowww’s friend J420 (really?) at a club in Long Island, the secret is to deny til you die.
Do Work: If you’re not doin’ work on grenades or on cups of Ron Ron juice, it’s crucial to hold down a professional career at all times. From tee shirt shops to gelato stores, just make sure you’re donning your freshest shades.
Look Good, Always: For the best female apparel, shop at tranny stores. To maintain your fresh, rock a shirt before the shirt. Whatever that means.
Don’t take off the shades: From the club to the beach, to marinating chicken and then cleaning it up (or leaving it on the floor, whatever), make sure to always rock your hottest pair of sunglasses. How will people know you’re famous if you’re not wearing sunglasses always? Extra points if you have $400 bejeweled bifocals that you can’t even see through.
Sleep with one eye open: Just to see if Ronnie’s crawling into your bed or if JWowww is trying to make you “sweat it out.”
The Duckphone is clutch: Why do I care about the phone drama if there isn’t a duck phone involved? What’s with the average cord phone circa 1999? Although, “No, Angelina’s dead,” might’ve been the best one-liner in the entire episode.
Work for a Grenade-Free America: Get Angelina out of there.
Well fellow GTL’ers, what has the Jersey Shore cast taught you? Based on the way things are looking, both on the show and in the gossip columns, I’m thinking if I start emulating them the best advice would be: Get a good lawyer.