I’m elated to announce that today, August 10th, is National Lazy Day. Seriously, this is a recognized day of do-nothing. Go out and get batteries for your remote, set up a cooler right next to the sofa, find the comfiest clothes possible – you’re going to be doing a minimal amount of moving. In honor of the only holiday better than Christmas, I bring you the ultimate Lazy Day schedule:
Noon: Wake up, but don’t get out of bed. Reach over to your night table and grab your laptop. Of course you left it there last night; the desk is way on the other side of your room. Fall back asleep before you even log onto Facebook.
1:00: Wake up for real this time. Pick your laptop up from the floor since it probably slid off your comforter. Do all the requisite email checking, Facebooking, Tweeting, and stalking.
1:45ish: Get out of bed and put clothes on. Wait, pause. Did I just tell you to put clothes on? Shame on me, this is Lazy Day. Put on fake clothes; you know, the kind with stretchy waists and baggy arms.
1:50ish: We will be observing hygiene rules of non-Lazy Days. Brush teeth, wash face, apply deodorant. Just because you may or may not be wearing spandex and an oversize sweatshirt doesn’t mean you can smell like a complete hobo. Let’s have pride in our Laziness.
2:00: Contemplate making a delicious brunch. Maybe a fried egg and bacon sandwich? How about chocolate chip pancakes? Now think of all the dirty dishes those options would create. You’re in no mood to scrape grease off a frying pan. Settle for dry cereal eaten directly from the box.
2:10: Grab a Vitamin Water and head for the couch. Throw yourself across the cushions with a minimal amount of effort. Wherever you land is where you’re spending the next four hours. Let’s hope your arms don’t fall asleep easily.
2:30: F*ck! Why is there nothing on TV? Mope for a moment, yell at yourself for not putting DVDs in the player before flopping down. You’re too comfy to move so you settle for a Real Housewives of New York marathon. Could be worse. Could be Atlanta.
7:00: Your eyes are glazed over, do you have to pee? You totally have to pee. Fight the urge for a moment, curse the Vitamin Water, and make your way to the bathroom avoiding all mirrors. Be sure to grab a bag of chips and DVDs on your way back.
9:00-:Watching The Devil Wears Prada is always less fun when you know Anne Hathaway leaves the fabulous job and ditches Adrian Grenier at the end. She’s such a moron. Text your friend and have a bitch session about careers and men and Anne’s weird nose.
9:30: Your thumbs hurt. Put down the cell phone. Rally your energy and walk back to your room, stopping in the kitchen on the way. You need another Vitamin Water to counter-balance the unhealthiness of chips you inhaled earlier. Sour cream and onion does not count as a serving of vegetables, even on Lazy Day.
9:35: Grab the laptop again, you need to update your FB status and check on who has broken up with their boyfriend/girlfriend since lunchtime. You hate couples, especially on Lazy Day when there’s no one to snuggle with on the sofa. (Not that you’d make this a group activity. Your hair is fierce in a bad way.)
11:00: Did you just fall asleep? On Lazy Day? Bravo! If that drool on the keyboard is any sign, you were out for a while. Stream reruns of Vampire Diaries on your computer and allow the hotness that is Ian Somerhalder to wash over you. Your soul will smile.
1:00 AM: Oops, someone forgot to eat dinner. Go fish in the fridge for leftovers then come back to bed so you can doze off for good as Vamps fight in the background. You’re exhausted after an entire day of Lazy!