10 Undercover Items Your Parents Will Buy You In College

I remember the days of running around Bed Bath and Beyond with my parents, frantically scrounging the aisle for that perfect plastic bin to stash all of my Ramen. Talk about a brutally long scene of events.  I stood in the florescent-lit aisles of so many department stores I started dreaming about shower caddies, futon throw blankets and Audrey Hepburn posters.

However, my parents were more than generous when they stashed the cart with college-goodies.  Especially food.  I think my mother thought I was going to eat all my food the first day, never have the desire/money to buy anymore and end up looking like a famished kid come Christmas.  Bless their hearts, ma and pa provided me with everything I would ever need in a my 8X8 dorm room.

And they didn’t even realize the half of it.

Although my parents made sure I had just about everything to satisfy my college-soul when I hightailed it to party-town, there are some sneaky things they didn’t even realize they’d purchased.  I’m not saying I smuggled a box of Trojans in between my binders; I’m simply stating there are some things out there your mama and papa can buy you that serve a college purpose they’ll never know or understand.

Allow me to explain.
Note: I really hope my mother never reads this. I love you, Ma!

1. Bed Sheets
As you cruise the household aisles for the sheets, make sure to snag some with the highest thread count best potential for toga parties. Read: a solid set. How will the parental units ever know?  My mom always insisted I had an extra set of sheets “just in case I never had the time/drive to wash ’em.” What mama didn’t know, however, is that changing a set of sheets on a dorm bunk is a lot less satisfying (and a lot more work!) then looking positively fabulous at your first college toga party.

2. Plywood Board
This is easy; all you have to do is tell your parents the bottom of your bunk sinks in when you sleep on it. Then boom, you have a make-shift beer pong table. Before you know it, you will be bouncing ping pong balls (those you probably have to buy on your own will) and sipping warm Keystone from a red cup. In your own dorm room. ‘Where the party at?’ is your new motto.

3. Socks
What other reason would your parents think of where you would need socks – other than keeping your feet warm and stank-free? The sock on the door trick when you’re getting busy in the bedroom? Exactly, my friend.

4. White Bar Soap/Whiteout
With all that personal decorating in college (i.e. posters, re-arranging massive dressers, etc.) nicks on the wall come in packs of HUGE.  And you know what that equals: lots of money come the end of the semester to repair. But with some handy bar soap or a nice bottle of Whiteout, you won’t have to tell daddy-o he needs to match the paint (or write another check) after you terrorized your room while when you ripped the posters from the wall in a drunken rage the other night. All you gotta do is take that bar of soap your parents bought you in September and fill in the holes in the walls. Voila.

5. Snorkel
Come Spring Break season, parents won’t bat an eyelash when you beg them for a snorkel for your Cancun trip. You want to see the coral reef, the wildlife, the ocean. Where is the harm in that? Before you know it, you will be examining the Nemo’s under the sea filtering keg beer into the snorkel’s spout to the tune of ‘Freshman, Freshman!’ coming from the surrounding crowd.

6. Fruit
There’s this delicacy I like to call WHM…

7. Garbage Bags / Dawn Dish Soap
My freshman year, a ton of students took to the quad late at night with dish soap and garbage bags.  No, they did not scrub the sidewalks and pick up empty beer cans.  They constructed a slip n’ slide. If you want to be as awesome as they were for creating one of the messiest and happiest nights of my life, match their stride. Load up on the bags, ladies.

8. Permanent Markers
You want to label your folders, work on school presentations, or do art projects…. on people’s faces/your brand new beer pong table (See #2).

9. Birth Control Pill
My mom still thinks I am on birth control to regulate my period while living around so many other women. And I just keep letting her believe it.

10. Vitamin Water
“But Mom, when I work out I want to gain back all of those healthy electrolytes so I can efficiently study.” Except replace “work out” with “follow a tequila shot with a keg stand and then come home at 3am with only one shoe and a slice of pizza in my purse.”

In Defense of Bros
In Defense of Bros
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