Is anyone else seeing a darker side of the Jersey Shore this season? No? Just me? Maybe I should take off my sunglasses when I’m inside.
Ahhhh, much better.
So far this season on J.S. there has been one underlying theme making its way through Miami: smush or get smushed. When you’re smushin’, you’re crushing it, you’re lookin good, you’re rocking GTL and just ruling South Beach.
And when you’re getting smushed?
You’re not a good look for Miami, for your family, or for humanity at large. Let’s evaluate who was smushing in Episode 3 and who was getting majorly smushed…
MVP: Mike, Vinny and DJ Pauly D were most definitely smushing this episode. Not only were they all rocking the same shirt before the shirt, shaving each other’s necks (weird), looking fresh in their bright red polished kicks, getting it (or not) with Snooki and, most importantly, recognizing the inherent flaw in hooking up with grenades and land mines. Have these boys raised their standards? MVP ruled the screen, from throwing around a chicken cutlet fake boobie to crushing it at the SoBe Gelato Shop. Not only that, but Pauly himself put Angelina (AKA Queen Cock Block) back in her place by giving her the crazy eyes a la Ramona Singer from RHNY in the Brooklyn Fashion Show (sans side ponytail and catwalk, obv) and laying such a brutal smackdown that left the Situation so surprised, he ripped off his designer shades in horror. Wow. Nice play, boys. Nice frickin play.
Enzo: The king of smushin’ it. The boss of the GTL crew is just so darn endearing. He kindly guides Snooooooki through the proper way to scoop gelato and provides her with a step stool when she can’t see over the oh-so-high counter. Not only that, but referring to Vinny as Vinchezo is giving the crew pangs of missing their big Italian families back home. Love you Enzo! Two smushy, bronzed thumbs up for you!
Ronnie: It’s awful, but this ultimate juicehead is smushin it this episode. I think he’ll eventually get his when Sammi Sweetheart realizes that Ron Ron is nothing but a two-timing jerkface, but last night he was ruling the dance floor and simply lovin’ life. After getting it on the dancefloor, he just crawls into bed with Sam and asks her if they can please smush because he loves her so, so much. Ass. Though the previews indicate that an all-capitalized anonymous letter might just change everything. Til next Thursday….
JWoww and Snookers: Such a cute couple! Loved seeing Snook rocking the poof and the skintight leopard getup again and watching JWoww defy gravity and generally being a badass. And how cute was their date to the Tapas bar? Also, I’m kinda loving Snooki asking Vinny, “Wanna f**k?” and his response, “Sure” plus her completely shocked reaction. Priceless stuff.
Emilio: Snookers’ poor boy toy back home has no idea that she’s rolling around with Vinchezo on the bean bag and on his extra-long twin bed. Don’t worry though; rumor has it that homeboy’s in the works for a reality show with Spencer Pratt. Can’t wait. Pause. NOT.
Sammi Sweetheart: As much as I want to hate Sam for being the biggest buzzkill on the planet, I actually feel bad for her. I’ve definitely been in her shoes. It’s hard being so in love and not realizing that the same guy who’s drunkenly cuddling you and calling you his girlfriend is running around hooking up with grenades. She’s getting smushed, big time, and she needs to grow a pair and cut Ron off before it gets too ugly. We’re all pullin’ for you Sammi! You can do better than that gorilla!
Angelina: I don’t feel bad for her. Never, ever slap my precious Pauly D in the face again. Seriously. Messed up. Although the girls faked nice to her once she owned up to talking smack about them in Strong Island (thanks for the tip Jay 420 and Joey Yanks), Angelina still sucks. Take off your sunglasses. Seriously. They don’t hide your awful personality. Or your toucan nose. Blech.
That blonde girl from the hot tub who lost her fake boob: Sucks to be you.