If Jessica Alba’s bodacious blow-out didn’t catch my eye this month on the September cover of Cosmo, the giant ‘Untamed Va-jay-jays’ headline sure did. What the hell is an untamed vajay? Seriously, this isn’t the Discovery Channel for body parts, Cosmo. Naturally (pun intended) I was gnawing at the bit to get inside the mag and get reading (because who doesn’t like headlines that read ‘Seduce Him! The Sexy Move That Works From 20 Feet Away’ and ‘Guy Sex Confessions.’ Yep, where’s my notepad?).
Beyond the cover, I’ve come to the scientific conclusion Cosmo has a weird obsession with Kristen Stewart. Last month they featured an article showcasing how classy her relationship with R-Patz was and this month an entire page was dedicated to a timeline of KStew’s looks growing up from 2002-2010, where Cosmo noted she is “fashion forward and glamorous.” I’m so glad Cosmo has confirmed bed head and deep frowns as edgy and ‘fashion forward.’ But even better, on the next page Cosmo showcased ‘Styles That Go Both Ways’ – AKA hairstyles that work for both male and female. The first victim? Our homegirl Kristen, sized up next to Ed Westwick with a VIP flow cut. Awww, cute.
As I continued to flip through; I passed the casual ‘Sexy vs. Skanky’ article which stated the (extremely obvious) sexy and skanky things in the world (i.e. cycling sleeveless as sexy and cycling naked as skanky). For a second, I did think cycling naked was dead sexy, so I’m glad I could get this formally clarified by the experts at Cosmo. Friends who back-stab, taking his identity and wearing a tee shirt as a dress were other skanky actions Cosmo claim as ‘no-no’s.’ Aren’t you happy you know that now? Me too. A paragraph analyzing his Halo addiction flew past my fingertips in ‘101 Things About Men’ and an article called ‘How to Have Perfect Timing’ lost my attention when the first bit of advice was to wake up at 7 A.M. and have a quickie. And where does this give me the good wishes to have fabulous timing??
As I breezed past the thigh-slimming secrets (who really reads those anyway?) and dissected Chelsea Handler’s small feature (I rip those out and keep them in a separate folder because they are so hilarious), I came across the article that took my breath away in soft giggles. The article is called ‘8 Touches That Tell Him Everything.’ Oh, everything??? Let’s get this party started. I’ve always been a big fan of communication sans actual words.
Cosmo Says: When you want to let him know he’s awesome…pat him on the butt.
Brittany Says: I say go all old-school-style on him and spank him only when he’s naughty. But I’m just traditional that way…
Cosmo Says: When you need to say “I’m sorry”….reach over and squeeze his knee (while you’re both sitting).
Brittany Says: Because if you’re standing and squeeze his knee, that would be awkward. And he’d buckle and fall to the ground. And actually saying, “I’m sorry,” would send mixed and unnecessary signals.
Cosmo Says: When he’s bummed out…lightly scratch his neck along the hairline.
Brittany Says: But for the love of all that’s right in the world, DO NOT scratch him 1 inch away from his left ear… it must be along the hairline or he’ll have no idea what you’re trying to tell him. No need to be so technical about scratching location, Cosmo; I say when he’s bummed out, buy him some beer and give him a back rub while he watches Man vs. Wild… or Man vs. Food.
Cosmo Says: When you want to get him to do something he doesn’t want to do. . .grasp his hands and coax them into prayer position, then position your hands over his.
Brittany Says: I’m dying to know what comes next in this ‘tell-him-everything-by-touching-101.’ What prayer do you recite? Do you end the convo with a breathy ‘Namaste’?
Cosmo Says: When he’s angry and you need to defuse a fight. . .place your hand on top of his shoulder, keeping your elbow straight.
Brittany Says: I see the difficulty I would have with this gesture. What if he bends over and ties his shoe? What if he goes to grab something from the cupboard? How am I going to keep my arm straight? How is this ever going to work correctly, Cosmo!?! Tell me!?
…. I am not sure most of this advice is worth the paper it’s printed on, but I guess I do owe Cosmo some major props. At least this article wasn’t entitled “8 Sex Positions That Tell Him Everything.” Though, there’s always next month.