The Bachelor Pad: Poor Craig Can’t Catch a Break

Who knew the girl could eat?

Another week, another train wreck, am I right?

There were so many life lessons packed into last night’s Bachelor Pad.  For example, all breathing sounds like heavy breathing when you’ve got a 200 lb dude laying on top of you and your mic.  The shower is not a private place.  Pie is gross, but throwing up is not necessarily a turn-off….

While I appreciated these gems of wisdom, I felt like the episode served an even larger purpose for setting the pace for the rest of the season. More than anything we learned that, much like Fight Club, the Bachelor Pad has a few rules by which you must abide if you want to succeed at the game.

The first Rule of Bachelor Pad is to never shoot smoke up Gia’s butt.
Her words, and eloquent they are.  Wes, I do believe she was looking at you when this winner of a phrase made its BP premier.  For your sake, I hope you take heed.  But judging by the season previews, you whip out that damn guitar and recycle the song you wrote for Jillian.  They say love, it don’t come easy to smoke-shooting man whores.

The second Rule of Bachelor Pad is to never do anything Jesse B. doesn’t approve of.
Because one minute he’ll be all up on you next to a luxurious pool, and the next he won’t even be able to speak your name or form a coherent sentence.  It’s just…like, uh…he ummm…heard.  From someone.  That, uhhh…Natalie was being flirtatious with some of the other guys.  No sh*t, Jesse.  It’s a game where you’re basically seducing people to vote for your enemies.  We all saw what happened there.  Gia turned your head and you wanted an easy out from things with Nat.  Typical guy.

The third Rule of Bachelor Pad is to not hook up with Elizabeth.
She’s still crazy.  And lady gets attached.  Like claws in, hanging on for dear life attached.  Poor Kovacs is really getting the Fatal Attraction treatment.  What I don’t understand is why he just doesn’t get all the guys together and vote her off already.

The fourth Rule of Bachelor Pad is to keep all your organs.
Krisily couldn’t participate in the pie-eating contest because she has no gallbladder.  Seems like a legit excuse.  She didn’t ask for special treatment, just quietly bowed out of the challenge.  Well, let me tell you.  Did Chris Harrison care?  Please, he was ready to escort her to the limo and see her home.  Did David care?  He told the camera she needed to suck it up and eat the damn pie anyway.  Bottom line: there is no compassion on BP (unless you’re Tenley and cry over everything).

The fifth Rule of Bachelor Pad is that Gwen isn’t as dumb as she looks.
But Weatherman is.  I’m wondering if he thought he stood the greatest chance at a hook-up if he channeled his energy toward Gwen.  Or is he just blind to her age and plastic surgery?  Either way, Gwen may look dumb and desperate, but she does not want any of that.  And thank God!

You think these crazy kids are going to abide by the Rules of Bachelor Pad?  Who’s your favorite cast member so far?  Are you Team Outsiders or Team Insiders?  So much weighing in that needs to be done!  Sound off below.

Body Blog: Pimple Protection 101
Body Blog: Pimple Protection 101
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