Jersey Shore: “Who’s President of the I.F.F.?”

"To family....and marinara from the jar!"

Who can’t help but love the dysfunction of the Jersey Shore? This week, the gang (I feel like we’re opening a summary of Scooby Doo. Come on – Snookie, Scooby… same thing?) deals with some hard-hitting moral dilemmas. Angelina, JWoww and Snookers are all plagued by the memories of Ron getting wild at the club and their desire to inform dear Sammi Sweetheart of her “bf’s” wrongdoings. The boys deal with weeding through grenades and landmines at the gelato shop.

Come on, ladies. You and Ronnie are ON CAMERA. Did we forget this blindingly obvious fact? Eventually Miss Sammi is going to see her precious Ron-Ron hooking up with Miami scram and she will also see you trying to cover up the fact that you know anything. Putting the fact that MTV has cameras in everyone’s faces on the backburner, let’s run down the I.F.F. (I’m F*cked Foundation) governmental structure.

I.F.F. – “I’m F*cked Foundation” Hierarchy

President: Ronnie (AKA: Ron-Ron, Sloppy Joe)
As we all know, from the brilliant game of “bowl questions,” Ronnie is the prez of the I.F.F. and resounding founder. However, the best part of all, Ronnie hasn’t been found out quite yet. Sam’s been tipped off a couple times, when he stood up “snuggle time” to get crazy in a club and maybe the sheisty looks that everyone gives Miss Sweetheart when she presses them for information. (“It’s the spicy mayo.”) Oh and there was that time he called her a c*nt and a b*tch. As if that wasn’t a bigger clue. You’re gonna get yours, Ron-Ron, and found out as the King, founder and high ruler of the IFF.

Don’t test him on that though; he didn’t go to college.

Vice President: Sammi
Oh Sam-a-lam. I have been in your position. You are getting totally screwed over and your “friends” don’t even have the decency to tell you the facts straight up to your face. I should hate you because you seem like a real pain to hang out with and your face is always scrunched up in some nasty sourpuss. You’re that girl that makes all her friends go home when you’re ready to go. You are a b*tch and if I didn’t have the decency, I would call you the c-word too. But, alas, I’m a classy lady. I write the Jersey Shore recaps and I’m not going to stoop that low. Also, because I’ve been in your position. In fact, I think you should be the president of the I.F.F., so maybe when Ronnie gets chewed out and you realize how f*cked over you’ve been, you can move in to his position. But for now, you remain the VP, clueless and out of the loop. Let’s cross our spray-tanned and faux fingernails and pray that the all-caps letter gets you to realize what a douchelord Ron is. Ya gettin’ punked.

Secretary of State: Snooki
Snookers: love of my life holds the position of Secretary of State of the the I.F.F. (and world’s fastest typist- wow!). After dealing with listening to Emilio on the phone, at the club with “half naked girls everywhere” she diplomatically explains that guys are the reason that there is a severe increase in the Lesbian population. It’s just science. Can we also just focus on her brilliant plate smashing moment in Miami? I mean, who hasn’t broken a ton of glassware and dishes when pissed off at a boy? Just me and Snooki? Whatever, Angelina will clean it up tomorrow.

Treasurer and Affairs Liason: Situation
There was admittedly a severe lack of Situation in last night’s episode, but we were lucky enough to experience the Situation attempting to provide a family dinner for the troops at Casa Miami. And it went horribly, horribly wrong. However, in true Situation fashion, we learn the best way to resolve a dinner that’s been dropped on a linoleum floor (Miami house has to have a tribute to Long Island) is to just yell, push your oversized aviators down and stare in horror. His role in the I.F.F. and GTL system makes us all DTF.

Director of Public Relations: Angelina
Whoever thought Angelina would try and take a diplomatic position? She avoided drama and told everyone she “didn’t want to be involved.” Snaps, Angelina. Still think you’re a pain though. Then again, you’re from Staten Island so it can’t really be helped.

Legal Associate: Vinny
I heard he’s going for his LSAT. Wait, did he speak in this episode?

Entertainment and Events Planner: DJ Pauly D
Pauly D is pulling mad numbers from girls in the gelato shop, dropping like it’s hot in the club and just kicking ass all over the I.F.F. While everyone else is boozing and dramatizing, Pauly is dropping beats and game all over Miami.

Security: J.Woww
Jenni wants to beat someone up, bad. Specifically Angelina. Therefore, if her all-caps “anonymous” letter to Sammi goes wrong, she’s going to take off her earrings, Vaseline her face and come at Angelina. And we can’t wait.

P.S. Can we just talk about this? Heaven all around.

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