Goodbye, Parents! Seriously, Get Out

In the coming days, a whole new batch of freshmen will be arriving on campus.  Their rented mini-vans will clog the parking lots, their wide-eyed gazes and slow feet will make getting to class that much more miserable.  Forget drinking during those first weeks if you’re underage.  Police will be waiting in the bushes for these dummies to come outside holding a telltale red solo cup, and you don’t want to get caught in the crossfire.

When you devote your walk to class thinking of all the ways you hate the new lanyard-toting campus population, remember that you too were once wondering the difference between north and south campus.    And while all freshmen eventually learn the lay of the land, making your life easier, they’re strapped with a couple problems that are harder to shake.  A couple problems named Mom and Dad.

As an upperclassman, your parents have probably learned the ropes by now.  They call when they know you’re going to be sober, and you call when you need your debit card refilled.  The youngins, on the other hand, have yet to teach their folks these difficult lessons.  Forget that they have to deal with Mom checking in at 7:30 on a hungover Sunday morning.  First they’ve got to get the parentals to actually leave.

Attention freshies, before on-campus family housing becomes a reality for you, make sure your parents get the message loud and clear: after the car is unloaded and you’ve hugged goodbye, it’s time to leave.  Not stick around for the weekend, not take you to brunch the next morning.  Get back in that glorious ten-passenger monstrosity and hit the road.  To help you help them on their way, here’s a list of tried-and-true methods to ditch Mom and Dad:

Plan Ahead
It might not be too late to encourage your family to book a stellar vacation for the day after you move in.  Tell them it’ll ease the pain of leaving you in a cinder-block hell (which, little do they know, you’ll come to call The Vodka Locker).  Whether it’s the white sands of Bermuda, or a dusty bed and breakfast two hours down the highway, a long weekend away might help dry Dad’s tears.

Enlist the Help of Your Siblings
If you’re working with a younger sib, kick ‘em in the shins to make it look like Little Jimmy cut himself on that rusty bit of railing.  Tetanus is no joke and someone’s gotta take this kid to the hospital, stat!

If you’ve got seasoned pros leading the family ranks, have them sit down ahead of time and brief Mom on what is and isn’t polite etiquette for saying goodbye.  Tears are acceptable, fainting spells and bouts of hysteria are not.

Get Them Angry
So does your mother hate it when you make the bed and simply throw a comforter over the one fitted sheet, forgetting the rest of the bed-in-a-bag goodies?  Or maybe Dad can’t stand it when you talk back and “make a comment about everything.”  Well, bring it on. It’s ten times easier to drop the ol’, “You know what guys, this is my room!  Just go.  I’ll call you later,” if everyone’s pissed.

And if all else fails…

Get Your Roommate and Her BF (or Some Rando) to Engage in Serious PDA
It’s a fact: Dads get weirded out by sex.  Especially when it’s happening two feet away.  The second your Roomie’s top falls to the floor, he’ll be covering his eyes and tripping toward the door.  Problem solved!

[Photo courtesy of]

Candy Dish: Careful What You Say To Him
Candy Dish: Careful What You Say To Him
  • 10614935101348454