Jersey Shore: Or Was It The Hills?

Okay, when did the Jersey Shore become about heartfelt “feelings” and “emotions” instead of bar fights, beating the beat and smushing? SERIOUSLY. Thank goodness we had MVP running a very serious game plan last night about how they were going to maneuver three girls and a grenade to get us through the hour. The Situation stepping up to the role as commander and directing his men to deal with the “hippopotamus” was disgusting, yes, but also the heart of why we love the Jersey Shore.

Let’s step it up a bit, though; even the Real Housewives of NJ have more fire in their bellies than the J. Shore kids these days. We need more excitement. More humor. Come on! Don’t make me put JWoww and Teresa Giudice in the same room.

Not that there wasn’t a lot going on last night. There was that (connived?) drama caused by Sam and Ron and a little type-written note by JWoww and Snookie. (Or, as Ron likes to refer to her, Shnookie. How does he still not know her name?) The girls wanted to tell Sam that Ron’s being a dirtbag but they don’t want to upset the house dynamic so, you know, they decided sneaking around and lying was the way to go. Because Sam will never turn on the TV find out, right? Of course, when the bomb (read: Scary Sammi and Roid Rage Ronnie) blew up, the only one who owned up to Ron doing everything listed on the note was The Situation, imparting the great wisdom, “It’s funny because it’s true.”

Which pretty much sums up why we all watch this terrible, trainwreck of humanity. And we just can’t look away. every. single. week.

Jersey Shore season 2 is sort of like The Hills, only with more tans, sparkles and SoCo. But, really, MTV really is taking the dramz of The Hills and weaving it into the plotlines at the shore. Like, really MTV? Are you kidding me with JWoww and Snooki’s tearful embrace in the middle of the road while some touching indie-rock song plays in the background and the Rhapsody sponsorship reminds us to download this up-and-coming artist’s music?

Where’s your balls at, Jersey Shore?
Allow me to elaborate:

Sam and Ron as Heidi and Spencer Oh my god. The parallels are absurd. First and foremost, Ron is a sucky person and Sam looks like an alien more and more each day. Ron and Spencer both have clear emotional issues and anger management problems and both Sam and Heidi don’t have the courage to step it up and leave their douchebag men. At least while cameras are rolling, anyway. Pretty soon Sammi will be rocking double D’s, tweeting incoherently at @Sn00ki, and wishing that things were back how they used to be. Maybe Ron should invest in some crystals. Maybe some that aren’t glued to his tee shirt. Just a thought. Could help with the anger management. Didn’t seem to work for Spence though.

The Situation as Lauren Conrad The Situation, time and time again, steals the show (and my heart) each and every episode. He’s quickly becoming the protagonist of the show, yelling at Angelina for not cleaning the dishes (akin to Lauren yelling at Jen Bunney about being shady, evil and conniving), being honest with those around him, treating friends like family and, best of all, running the show while flashing smirks at the camera. And did we mention the abs? (Editor’s Note: Homeboy even sleeps in an unbuttoned shirt.) Lauren Conrad is to hair as The Situation is to abs. Think about it. Sh*t’s deep, yo.

Vinny as Whitney Port Have we not gone over the fact that Vinny brings nothing to the table on the show? Loved Whitney Port, but all she could contribute to The Hills is the breathy, “Oh my god, what did she say?” and her occasional endearing facial¬†expressions. If he gets a spin off called “The Vinny” then we may cry in frustration. And DVR every episode. And recap it weekly.

DJ Pauly D as Justin Bobby-Brody-Frankie DJ Pauly D embodies every bro on the show. Such a playa, just like that guy Justin-Bobby-Brody-Frankie-Doug-Jason-Jeffy-Jamie-Joey who broke Kristin-LC-Stephanie-Heidi-Audrina-Lo’s heart.

Angelina as Jen Bunney Angelina is constantly getting the beat down, just like Jen Bunney. We can’t say we disagree; something about Angelina strikes us as “shady and conniving” despite her best efforts to, yet again, lay low. Stay out of the camera’s way Angelina and chat it up on the (sadly, not a duck) phone.

JWoww as Kristin Cavallari Obviously, both of their deep throaty voices are the clear parallel. But let’s not forget that both Kristin and JWoww are tough b*tches who do what they want. Granted, Kristin is a bit prissier than JWoww and definitely couldn’t take her in a Jager drinking contest, but they both have that same feisty attitude. Though my money’s still on JWoww if they got into a bar fight.

Snooki as Lo Reliable Snooki, ever the loyal friend to JWoww and accomplice. Lo and Snooki share some fantastic qualities that a sidekick should possess. Like, agreeing with everything their best friend (Kristin/LC or JWoww) says, and providing the much needed comic relief.
RUNNER-UP: Snooki as Audrina
. Since Snooki got her heart stomped on by Emilio, we can’t help but have flashbacks to Justin Bobby and Audrina’s tumultuous relationship. Not to mention, both Snooki and Audrina have the “ceiling eyes” look going for them. Though I don’t know what Audrina’s excuse is, I’m pretty sure Snooki’s condition is related to the SoCo.

Duke It Out: The Facebook Overshare
Duke It Out: The Facebook Overshare
  • 10614935101348454