Question for Tuffy Luv?! Email her at [email protected] and shoop.
Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’ll start off this email saying you must get hundreds of these, but even if this isn’t featured in the site, I really would just love advice. I’ve heard people say that asking for advice is just asking for someone to tell you a truth you don’t want to admit to yourself, but I honestly have no idea what to do.
I have been in a long distance relationship with this boy for 2 years – since I was 15. He lives in Scotland, so we try to talk every day and we see each other for about a month or two weeks every 6-8 months. Words can not describe how much I love him; we’ve already talked about marriage, and him moving over here like it’s set in stone. And I do want that; I know I’m young but I can’t see myself being happier than being with him when I’m older. He has a tendency to be a bit of an a**hole sometimes (never in person, but online) but a lot of it is due to a hard family life and he has a difficult time showing affection. It used to be OK but lately he’s gotten worse. It’s not a dire problem – I know he loves me and he tells me – he just can’t seem to be able to wrap his head around the idea that as a girl in a relationship where I see him on a very rare occasions, I crave the amount of affection that he used to give me when we’re apart.
Here comes the major problem.
When I went away to Spain for a month during the summer, my best friend started hanging out with her ex again. When I got back she invited me to meet her ex’s best friend. Other than my current boyfriend, I have NEVER fallen so fast for a guy. Boys in my town have caught my eye but nothing ever happened, nothing was ever worth the idea of breaking up with my boyfriend. I’ve known this new guy for about a week and already he’s making tough competition. He would be the ideal boyfriend in every way, and I know I could be beyond happy with him. I love my boyfriend, but I know we won’t be able to really be together for at least 3 to 4 years and I crave having someone physically here to be with. The annoying thing is this new guy has told my best friend he’s never fallen for someone so hard either, making the situation that much more complicated. I know the logical idea is to just give it time and see how I eventually feel about this new guy, but it’s eating me up inside.
How do I know if I’m staying with my boyfriend because I really love him more or if i’m staying with him because i’m too scared not to? Is a new guy worth throwing away 2 years and a future for? But what if I really AM in love with him? That’s nowhere near fair to my boyfriend. I would really appreciate the help since I really don’t have someone who isn’t involved in the situation to talk to about this.
New Love vs. Old Love
I don’t know if you love this new guy, but I DO know you don’t love your boyfriend.
Look, you know this. You even start your letter saying “people say that asking for advice is just asking for someone to tell you a truth you don’t want to admit to yourself.” Honey, why you think you wrote?!
Your whole paragraph BEFORE the “problem” is about how your boyfriend just isn’t doing it for you anymore. You say he can be an asshoop. Honey, that IS a problem!!! If he’s an asshoop, why do you want to bother being with him, ESPECIALLY when it’s a crazy hard long distance relationship?! The truth is, I’m pretty sure you DON’T want to be with him.
So I guess my function here is to tell you to break up with him.
First of all, you’re not getting what you need. Even if he was a perfectly nice guy–which, frankly, it sounds like he’s NOT, but even if he was–you’re not happy. You’re looking elsewhere. You’ve already expressed your feelings to him and he’s brushed them off. This would be bad enough in a regular relationship, but in an LDR, it’s a dealbreaker.
Now you’re finding you’re falling for this new guy. Well, I don’t know if you really are or not. A week is not enough time to tell. But what you ARE learning is that you CAN have these feelings for other guys. These are feelings you no longer have for your boyfriend. That means it’s time to move on.
To be honest, I don’t think you’ll regret breaking up. You started dating long distance when you were 15. Now you’re 17 and you’re already growing apart. If you can’t even be with him physically for 3 or 4 years (as you say)–well, who knows who you’ll be at 20 or 21? People grow up, and people grow apart, and that’s okay. Very few people are meant to end up with a person they loved at 15. Especially since you’re growing up apart.
So, my advice is this: Break up with your boyfriend in as kind a way as you can. Cry over it as much as you need to. Don’t rush into anything with this new guy. And what’s meant to be will be. Maybe that will be a relationship with this new guy, or maybe with some other new guy, or some new guy after that.
Besides, you KNOW you wrote in because you want to be free to try something new. Girl, follow your heart, goshdoopit!!!
Pursue your happiness. You have no reason not to.
Hearts & Skulls,