Bachelor Pad: And Then There Were Couples

"This is not going to be the most dramatic rose ceremony yet. In fact, it might be the most predeictable."

Monday’s Bachelor Pad finally proved that the popular girls will always win. And homely (relatively speaking, of course), single girls will always go home alone…in stretch limos….to their cats.

After 25 minutes of pacing and pretending that they weren’t going to choose the girls they’ve boned, the guys booted out the extra female stragglers and were forced to commit to one lady for the rest of the season.  There were no surprises.  The juiceheads and Kipytn guys held all the cards.  Gwen finally left.  Elizabeth called her out for being in her 40s (like we couldn’t guess).  I shed a tear because I think poor Gwen was the only normal person there.  You know, minus the copious amounts of plastic surgery and her bejeweled rose tee shirt and whatnot.

While I readily embrace the new dynamic of the game (what? I like watching 120 minutes of sloppy makeout sessions every Monday – it takes me back to my freshman frat party days), I do so with a skeptical eye.  Initially, I had Kiptyn pegged to win this whole thing, as did most people.  But now I’m not so sure.  With next week’s episode being the finale, I figured we should take a look at the odds each duo has for winning the $250k.

Kiptyn & Tenley
Pros: No one would ever have them pegged as the vicious, backstabbing kind.  In a future vote, should one occur, their word would be golden among the other competitors.  Should they decide to switch their votes at the last minute, no one would see it coming and it could seriously work to their advantage.

Additionally, if I recall correctly, Tenley used to be a Disney Princess (no joke) and danced in shows for little kids.  This could give her an edge with next week’s ballroom dancing challenge.

Cons: Tenley referring to them as “Kip-Ten” is the ultimate male ego deflator.  Also, Tenley thinking Dave and Natalie’s date was going to be on a spaceship doesn’t bode well for her IQ, should it be called upon.

Kovacs & Elizabeth
Before I discuss these two, can I just say that their exchanges in this episode were classic.  Let it be noted everywhere, Elizabeth does not want to simply get railed.  The woman would like a little romance, please.  It was called the Fantasy Suite, after all.  Okay, had to get that out.  Moving along.

Pros: They’re the most entertaining people left in the house.  You know watching them learn to dance is going to be Emmy-worthy.  Will they win?  Probably not.  Do I care?  Not really.

Cons: As Kovacs pointed out, dear Liz has a screw loose. She’s one fry short of a Happy Meal. She puts the “crazy” in “crazy girl with bad implants.” See where I’m going with this?

Dave & Natalie
Pros: They’re both kinda whorey.  If this were a blow job contest, Natalie would totally win.  But alas, it’s not, so…

Cons: Dave’s massive temper might trip him up when it comes time for the fancy footwork; Natalie is clearly more emotionally invested in this pairing than Dave….and has said so at least 97 times; She has horrible hair…can that be a con?  I think so.  And lastly, Dave’s bromance with Kovacs is going to end in disaster, you mark my words.

So this is it, you guys!  We’re down to the final sets of idiots who have kissed, puked, and cried their way to the top.  Next week Chris Harrison will be handing over a mighty hefty check to one of these (deserving?) couples.  Who do you think it’s going to be?

We’ve All Been There: Ready To Get Back to School
We’ve All Been There: Ready To Get Back to School
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