College Campuses Are Breeding Grounds for Disease

According to University of North Carolina professor Kevin Caneiro, there’s a new disease lurking on college campuses nationwide. Dubbed  “Laptop-itis,” it is the result of excessive use of laptops and cell phones with symptoms ranging from worsened posture to pain in the backs, necks, and wrists of students everywhere.

Caneiro’s concern regarding this ailment is understandable – we don’t need an entire generation of hunchbacks, after all – but in the grand scheme of things, Laptop-itis is the least of our problems. Really, there are plenty of larger issues we college students should be worrying about. Like Athlete’s Foot from the showers. Or Mono from all those frat party makeouts.

Or any of these:

Laundr-phobia:  Often striking halfway through the semester, students present with an unhealthy, all-consuming fear of the laundry room (usually stemming from an uncertainty of how to use the machines).  Symptoms include a lack of underwear, crusty stains and a less than desirable smell of mildew permeating from their overflowing hamper.  In extreme cases, Laundr-phobia’s effects can be disastrous (and foul), often leading to ridicule and friend loss.  While there is no known cure, temporary reprieve is available during long weekends at home with mom.

Caffeinitis:  This illness is brought upon by any of the following triggers: coffee, Red Bull, Five Hour Energy shots, or some dangerous combination of the three.  Symptoms include: shaking hands, a quickened pulse, fast and frequent trips to the bathroom and an inability to sit still for more than 3 seconds. In very, very extreme cases, students become immune to the effects of the aforementioned beverages and begin to abuse Adderall  – IF YOU REACH THIS POINT, SEEK WARM MILK AND A BED IMMEDIATELY.

Pump Foot: Often the result of dancing for hours on end in sky-high stilettos, this disorder generally manifests itself on Sunday mornings.  Characterized by large and painful blisters, cramped toes, and painful arches/calves.  Research on this disorder is limited, but it is understood that certain libations trick victims into thinking that they are immune and actually cause more damage. At present there is no known cure, but preventative care is available in the form of cute and comfy flats.

‘That Girl’ Syndrome:  The most unpleasant of all the diseases.  This disease often (though not always) strikes when a female is at her most vulnerable. Generally speaking, this is after the dissolution of a relationship.  While symptoms are different for everyone, the most common include: dancing on a bar, crying in the bathroom, gratuitous public displays of affection, falling down stairs, and generally causing a scene.  The most harmful effects of this particular ailment hit the following morning and often include mockery, embarrassment, and a dangerously long log of outgoing calls between the hours of midnight and 4 a.m.  The victim typically complains of two hangovers – one characterized by physical pain, the other by an overwhelming sense of shame. Recovery time ranges from one day to one month depending on the case.

‘That Guy’ Syndrome:  Not to be confused with the female version, ‘That Guy’ syndrome seems to harm those around the victim more than the carrier himself.  While suffering, patients will generally spill beer on their peers, crush beer cans on their heads, challenge anyone with a pulse to a Shotgunning contest, and puff up their chest at any innocent passerby who might “look at me the wrong way.”

I-Wait-Until-The-Last-Possible-Second-To-Write-That-Ten-Page-Paper-Because-I’m-Looking-Through-Everyone’s-Study-Abroad-Pictures Disease: While mild on its own, if not treated properly (experts recommend disconnecting from the Internet) it can lead to severe cases of Caffeinitis and Oh-sh*t-I-have-to-retake-that-class syndrome.

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