Jersey Shore: Feuds and Fossils

So we open on JWoww setting Sammi’s face like a volleyball and Sammi throwing a spike right back at JWoww’s kisser. Where to begin here? The entire episode was so cram-packed with drama, fighting and backstabbing that it’s nearly impossible to recap every glorious moment of it, from the extraordinarily large pickle jar on the counter to the Boise State-esque turf on the patio.

The only way to break it down is the collegiate way, and submit the report card for each and every one of our Jersey Shore heroes for this episode. Also, thank you Jose (Angelina’s “Sugar Daddy”) for the perpetual Fossil Watch sponsorship of this episode. How many times did you count the word “Fossil Watch” during that hour of TV? We counted six.

And, as an aside, I won’t smush for a $40 watch. Even if the guy delivered it in a suit. Just sayin’….

Sammi “Sweetheart”: D+

Sammi receives a well-deserved D+ for this episode. The only credit to her is the A for bringing a right hook to JWoww (unheard of) within the first five minutes of the episode. Unfortunately, that doesn’t do much for the giant F she gets for her horrendous attitude, the fact that she begs Ronnie “dog pisser” for  a “smush” and isolates everyone in the house other than the true wrong-doer (Ron Ron), and befriends Angelina.

Seriously, she’s a pathetic girl. It’s almost sad how she overlooks the faults of her cheating “boyfriend” and picks fights with the girls who tried (albeit, in the wrong way) to help her.

Also, can we discuss the self-esteem issue that causes her to obsesses over wearing the same glorified tank top twice in the episode? With two different belts? Seek help.

Vinny: C

I’m giving this kid a C simply because he is so average it’s out of control (despite his alleged less-than-average “watermelon”). However, the only reason he’s not getting a D is because he brought home a smokin hot hottie from Hooters (a grenade- according to Angelina) but then immediately crawled into bed to smush with Angelina later in the episode. I guess he wore his dark sunglasses whilst mid-smush so he couldn’t really see what was going on, but still, come on. He called her the “Rob Kardashian of Staten Island”!

DJ Pauly D: Incomplete

Where were you this episode aside from dodging the herp on South Beach and rounding everyone up to get in the cab? Please apply to participate in next week’s episode.

JWoww: F—

JWoww, I love you, which is why this makes it so hard to give you this extremely low grade (that I don’t think exists anyway) but it is definitely deserving. You allowed Sammi to take you out and make you look like a fool. You called out of work for broken nails. You were subjected to Snooki moaning and groaning with her Hispanic lover boy. You were also subjected to a serious grundle that Snooki’s boytoy brought back to the house.

I expect more from you. Please cheat on Tom ASAP.

Mike “The Situation”: A

Of course Mike can do no wrong in my eyes. He exerted his full-on mature dad powers this episode, wrangling fights and dispensing words of wisdom. Let’s take, for example, his take on the Sam and Ron situation, “Santa Clause is Dead.”

He’s like a modern day Socrates. With major abs. God, he’s perfect. I cannot stress how perfect he is. In any and all Situations. Call me. I’m blonde. And not a tranny.

Angelina: B+

Angelina receives this borderline high grade simply based on this episode. She is a terrible person and annoying to watch, yes. However, she plays the game. She befriends Sammi, looks like the good guy, receives a FOSSIL WATCH (with a white face – important) from Jose, makes out with DJ Pauly D and smushes it on with Vinny, despite the fact that she commands him to get off the “good lookin’ train” of which she is clearly the conductor. With a severe caboose.

She is “wide” (i.e. hot dog down a hallway) yet she still manages to “get it in” this episode. If she was a boy, her behavior would be rewarded. However, she still remains a female resembling a primate.

Ronnie: A+

Remains out of the episode and comes off scotch-free. Douchelord of the year, but gets away with it, claiming that the “letter helped” his relationship (aka using of Sammi). Not to mention, he makes a delicious quadruple decker tuna fish sandwich amidst all the girl fighting. Snaps for Ron.

Jose (Angelina’s “Kinda-sorta-dating-guy”): F

Yo, you wasted your best suit and your 20% off Macy’s purchase coupon on a Fossil Watch? And you didn’t even get a smush in. Sad.

Snooki: D

I love my Snookers as much as the next Jersey Shore addict, but did she really try and push Ron? Possibly the most hilarious/pathetic moment of the episode. Not only that, but she subjected her BFF JWoww to nasty moaning and groaning in a twin bed.

Not cool, Snooks. I will give her kudos for wrapping herself in garbage bags and attempting to clean the “Smush Room” but other than that, Snooki did nothing for me this episode other than serve as JWoww’s sidekick. Tsk, tsk, Snooks. I expected more from you.

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