The Weekly Ten: The VMAs – Good, Bad and Greasy

Is it just me or does it just feel wrong when Kanye smiles?

Let’s be serious, this year’s VMA’s were quite lackluster. And not just because I didn’t report on the red carpet this year. I expected to tune in for the lolz, dramz and maybe a few interruptions or two. All I got was into a freaking Delorean and rocketed back to 1999 where I saw the likes of Usher, Eminem and Linkin Park performing with lasers everywhere, a la J.Lo’s “Waiting for Tonight” music video. Oh, those 5th grade memories.

Somehow, between two hours of commercials and a mediocre-at-best pre-show episode of Jersey Shore (which I’m also recapping in this post, because I believe in synergy and cohesion… as does MTV), MTV managed to make a lovely Lady Gaga hour for everyone. And Cher was there too. And some chick that looked like a low-budget version of Pink. Seriously, who was that? What a waste. I should’ve watched Entourage. Thank God for DVR. However, there were a few highlights in last night’s show, so let’s review: the highs and the lows.

10. DeadMau5
As I expressed in the liveblog, I’m very concerned for DeadMau5. Can he breathe in that hat thing? What about his neck snapping? Is he really just Samantha Ronson in a mouse hat? I guess the special effects looked cool and it’s true, I really just couldn’t stop the fistpump all night.

9. Nikki Minaj’s Booty
It’s big, people. And possibly the biggest star of the show.

8. Justin Bieber
Seriously, could he be more perfect? All I want to do is have him narrate my life to me in his beautiful singing voice all day. Except, what was with the little kids in the performance? Were they solely there to make him look slightly older than the tender age of 16? I also worry about him hitting puberty. Will he grow ugly like the youngest brother on Home Improvement or, worse, will his voice change? I do have to give the boy props, though; homeboy did beat that beat on the drums. Word.

7. Chelsea Handler’s Hosting
Let’s face it, she was bombed. Grenaded, if you will. She is much funnier on her own show and clearly was a bit nervous (on top of being high as a kite. Her words, not mine). The in-between sketches didn’t rock and only about three of her lines were hits. However, I did appreciate her getting up in that hot tub with the J.Shore cast.

6. Lady Gaga’s Meat Market
Was she really wearing an uncooked filet mignon on her head?

5. Linkin Park
I had no idea this band was even still around, nor did I care. The fact that they were the second to last performance was embarrassing. Clean it up, MTV.

4. LocaLohan
Seems Lindsay Lohan isn’t even good at acting when she’s playing herself.

3. Jersey Shore
Jersey Shore, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I’m very glad that MTV is milking this show for all that it’s worth and we got a lovely sneak peek during the VMAs of the new cast member, helloooo cig voice. On top of all that, there was some mention/shot of Jersey Shore cast members approximately every 10 mintues of the VMAs. Not to mention, we were graced with an extra-special episode of the Jersey Shore at 7:00 that frankly doesn’t even warrant a full post.

Here were the highlights:

  • Vinny got ditched by a club dancer (single tear) and wasted a perfectly good haircut and bouquet on her, even though he pathetically begged her for a date. You can do better, Vin.
  • Angelina is playing Jose, and still remains unattractive and annoying.
  • The Situation got owned… and it kinda ruled.
  • Sammi sucks.
  • Ronnie sucks.
  • Not enough JWoww and Snooki.

Good enough? Expect a more cohesive recap on Friday morning regarding this Thursday’s upcoming episode.

2. Taylor Swift‘s Tearjerker
What a miserable, miserable performance. Did anyone notice she was barefoot the whole time? I am so sick of this girl and our recap put it best saying, “I was really hoping this new song would be called ‘Thank you for making my career, Kanye West.'” Instead, we got some victim-playing boo-hoo crybaby nonsense that wasn’t interrupted. With red lipstick. Wah wah wah wah. Boring.

1. Aziz Ansari and Kanye West
The only things that saved the show was Aziz’s brilliant, hysterical introduction of Mr. West (welcome back to the throne) and Kanye’s Grade A performance (in that sick suit). The downside? No duet with Ms. Swift. Oh no, we all know that she is far too “classy” to perform with him. Let’s have a toast for the douchebags. I think we all know who came out on top.

CollegeCandy’s VMA Live Blog
CollegeCandy’s VMA Live Blog
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