Everyone raise your glasses for I would like to make a toast!
Today marks the 140th birthday of our good and loyal friend, Vaseline. Here is to all of those good times we’ve had when we’ve needed you most. I keep you by my bed, in my bag, and in the car. I pick you up, dip my finger in your gooey residue and primp and prime to my utmost pleasure. You’re cheap, you’re handy, and you’re my BFF.
Seriously, after finding out it was Vaseline’s 140th birthday today, I went to find my own container and rubbed that shiz all over my elbows in celebration. This stuff is the best and, like any cheap vodka, it’s a college girl’s BFF.
Why, you ask? Let us list the ways.
1. It makes your eyelashes grow: As long as you aren’t shacking up with the cutie you’ve been studying with, lather Vaseline all over your purty eyelashes overnight and watch them thicken and grow like a Chia pet come morning!
2. To Soften your weines [pronounced: wee*niss]: Vaseline is a great pick-me-up for dry elbows.
3. To Pimp out your cuticles: Store a mini-Vaseline container in your purse and utilize for emergency dry cuticle moments. And if you just really want an excuse to not take notes in lecture.
4. For kissable, luscious lips: Fall is a beast for drying out summary, dewy lips. Vaseline is there for you and your irresistible pout. Muah! P.S. You can mix Vaseline with Kool-Aid powder and make a colored (and flavored) lip gloss.
5. To Help your scent stick: Softly rub Vaseline all over your perfume points (i.e. the cleav, behind the ear, neck, wrist) and your scent will last longer!
6. Take it from JWWOW: It is a misconception that Vaseline clogs pores, so smear it all over your face, neck and arms whenever some bitch gets up in your shiz. Let’s see her try to grab hold of you now!
7. Say See Ya Never, Lipstick Smudges: Spread a little Vaseline over your teeth and lipstick smudges be gone!
8. For a moonlight massage with your man: Umm, hellooo. Vaseline is slippery. It ain’t no mint scent Aveda lotion, but it’s cheap and gets the job done after a long day trucking that North Face backpack from the library and back. Warm it up for an extra soothing effect. Saucy.
9.To remove last nights battlefield makeup: Apply some to a Q-tip and have a hay day.
10. Perfect for an eyeshadow/blush boost: Apply some under your eye shadow for a glossy affect. Apply on the apples of your cheeks for a dewy glow. Mix with lipstick for a cream blusher!
11. Lube: Whether you need it to get your friend’s engagement ring off your finger, or you want to ‘get it on’, Vaseline has you covered. And slippery.
12. It eases eyebrow plucking: Tame your eyebrows and lube up the under-skin so you can pluck with ease.
13. Prevent hair dye from seeping onto your forehead: Softly dab all over your hairline and keep that box hair dye from dying your forehead orange/brown/black/purple (we don’t judge).
14. To make your accessories look brand spankin’ new: New job interview? Scuff the crap-ol-la out of your patent leather heals thanks to pitcher night? Put a small dab on your shoes and shine away!
15. Hide Split Ends: Haven’t had a haircut since your mother made you go to Great Clips for a quickie? Hide damaged ends with the ‘V’ (what I’m now calling it).
16. Remove those stains on your clothes: And by stains, I mean makeup stains, sillies!
17. To Prevent spray-tan streaks: Rub all over the backs of your knees, ankles and hands to prevent seriously frightening spray tan lines. (You listening, Snooks?!)
18. To heal a new tat: No, Vaseline won’t undo that lame ass “I-have-star-tattoos-on-my-feet” situation a la Kristin Cavallari, but it can help the wound heal a little bit faster.
19. To get those O.P.I. nail polish bottles open: Is it just me or do I always try to get those babies open after I shower. Make it easier for next time and rub Vaseline under the cap. Then go ahead and do a D.I.Y manicure.
20. It’s your new exfoliating body wash: Mix with sea salt and come out of the shower feeling like Zac Efron’s face. Soft. And sexy.
Is it just me, or after reading this article, do your lips feel dry? Now go give your Vaseline some well deserved attention.