Tuffy Luv Sez: Friends With No Benefits

Question for La Tuff? Send it to [email protected].

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have found myself in a tough situation. My best friend of three years recently sent me a Facebook message out of the blue telling me that she no longer wishes to be friends or in contact with me. Her reasoning was that being friends with me causes her “too much stress” and she has been thinking about it “for the last two months.” The two examples she gave of me causing her stress were when I got annoyed at her at a party (when she was being rude to the host) and when I got angry at her for, at the last second, choosing to go to a job over helping me move (she had only told me that if I wanted her help, I would have to pay her $200, a statement which I found childish).

Tuffy, these were two small fights that we had already discussed and (I thought) had resolved. I had thought everything was fine up until a week ago, when she stopped contacting me. My mother had even treated us to see a musical in the city the Sunday before! Until now, she had always discussed when she was getting irritated at me; she’s a very frank and open person who has never hesitated to tell me when I’ve said or done something stupid, so I have been completely blown out of the water at this sudden change.

I’ve been very confused and hurt, and it’s been sending me into a depression. I had a lot of problems with depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies when I was younger, and basically had no real friendships until around the time I met her, all of which she has known for years. She told me that I should no longer contact her, and even told our other friends not to tell me about a party she was having (one she had already invited me to, before she stopped contacting me). We had plans to travel abroad over winter vacation and she was going to come to my family’s Thanksgiving (for the 3rd year in a row). Why continue making plans with me if she had been thinking of dropping me as a friend? Why pretend everything was perfectly fine, then drop a bomb on me like this? I’ve never been in such a confusing and hurtful situation like this before, and have no idea where to begin to handle it if she refuses to even speak to me.

-Confused, Hurt, and Betrayed

Dear Confused, Hurt, and Betrayed,

What kind of “BEST FRIEND” sends a FACEBOOK message to end the friendship?! Who she think she is?!

Floop her. Floop her right in the ear. This is a totally ridiculous situation. I mean, I get a lot of emails similar to this one about friendships not working out. But ending things with a best friend via Facebook is a new one for Tuffs.

Okay, let’s back it up.

This girl is a person, right, so she’s allowed to end friendships with whoever she wants. I mean, it’s up to her who she wants to be around. But if you’ve been best friends for years, she owes you more of an explanation. Out of the blue, after making future plans with you, she says, oops, never mind, don’t wanna be near you any more, don’t look at me, don’t contact me, hell, don’t even think about me. That is NOT adult behavior. She should have at least talked it out with you over a coffee or something.

Buuuuut she didn’t. So. There that is.

You know, it’s especially messed up since she knew about your trouble making friends. She knows this will really hurt you, and I bet that’s why she’s doing it this way. For whatever reason, she WANTS to hurt you.

Which, of course, brings us to the part of the answer you DON’T want to hear. I gotta be honest with you, chances are you did something to really piss her off, and it was probably your fault. It’s a pretty major thing to tell your former best friend you don’t even want to have CONTACT. Try to think–is there anything you might have done that offended or upset her?

And, again, you do have trouble making friends. At a certain point, you have to ask yourself: what am I doing wrong and how can I fix it? What keeps you from making friends? Chances are, it’s related to what made this girl throw a Facebook restraining order at you.

Which is not to say this is your fault. Because it’s not. Girl’s a meanybeany. But I think you should let this friendship drop and try to use it as a learning experience to help you meet better friends. Which, by the way, you can only do by being a good friend yourself.

Bottom line: Leave her behind, do a little thinking about what you might have done and what you can do better next time, and move on with your life.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

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