When I saw October’s cover of Cosmo, the headline ‘Own His Orgasm! What Men Really Want Right Before Blast Off,’ I almost considered going to church next Sunday. Whoa, Cosmo. Pump the breaks a bit, shall we? I haven’t even busted this baby open yet and I’m already getting weird stares from the check-out lady in Target. Of course it didn’t help that the cover also boasted answers to 100 crazy, dirty sex questions for all of our uneducated, perverted peepsies out there….in true Tweet fashion (20 words or less).
Also in this issue, Cosmo posed the question we are all dying to know: ‘Do You Know the Real You?’ In the article it stated, “Research shows that key aspects of your personality may already be in place by the time you are in first grade.” Great, that explains everything (i.e. compulsively eating Pop Tarts, not being able to properly communicate in intense social situations, and still struggling with long division). One of the better articles showcased was how to ‘Win Anyone Over in 3 Minutes.’ Anyone except the woman giving you the stink eye when you’re buying this over sexualized magazine, that is.
Anyway, it’s time to get to the good stuff. And by the good stuff, I mean an article that prevents the opportunity to keep a straight face while scanning its many paragraphs. Article, meet readers. Readers, meet ‘Easy Ways to Feel More Aroused.’ This list included finding your ‘horny song,’ taking ‘half showers’ and flirting with random guys to feel more playful and saucy. The best part of the article though? A small feature called, ‘Definite Mojo Killers.’ Cosmo claimed they are major mistakes that will make your libido tank. I claim they are high-larious.
Cosmo Says: Your guy unhooks your bra…and some of your fiber cereal from that morning’s breakfast falls out.
Brittany Says: Snack break!
Cosmo Says: He takes your try at dirty talk a little too seriously. “How do you get me so hot?” is a rhetorical question. No need to respond with, “Perhaps it’s my new axe body wash.”
Brittany Says: No, please that is so bro-fabulous! While you’re getting it on next time and you tell him to, “Ride me” I hope he says, “I’m on a horse.” Oh wait, that’s Old Spice.
Cosmo Says: You’re this close to an epic O when you discover that his cell-phone ring-tone of choice is Justin Bieber‘s “Love Me.”
Brittany Says: I’m absolutely dying at this. So the dude appreciates little boys singing wistful techno tunes. So what? (I guess I’m just a suckah for love). This isn’t what you had in mind for your “horny song,” Cosmo?
Cosmo Says: SeamlessWeb said you have 35 minutes to get it on before the Dominos arrived. Just as the condom goes on, you find out they were wrong.
Brittany Says: Oh my lord. Stop whining. You’re about to get it on and ‘oops, pizzas here?’ Yesterday I watched the History Channel for 3 hours. By myself. Get over it.
Cosmo Says: You go into his top drawer to get some lube…and discover his Team Taylor t-shirt.
Brittany Says: Let’s have a toast to all the softies. Then get right back to business.