Gossip Girl: Just Because You’re Dressed Poorly, Doesn’t Mean You’re Not Chuck Bass

“Oh hey, mom! Yeah, I’m jst having breakfast in my shoulder pads and ’90s prom updo!”

Only on Gossip Girl can the episode begin with two beautifully (albeit overdressed) designer clad ladies eating crumpets at a spicy cafe in Paris while discussing Blair’s future date with Louis, whom is (naturally) a Prince.  I’m serious, the Disney Channel couldn’t make this sh*t up. And only on Gossip Girl can that beautiful moment be interrupted by a call from Serena’s mom to scurry on over to the morgue to identify a body that is presumably her former step-brother’s.

Yes, while sporting those chrome shoulder pads…and that squirrel that was residing on the back of her head.  I fully understand it was her hair, but let’s all agree that Serena is lucky she’s so gorge. That sorta business wouldn’t fly on just anyone…especially yours truly.


Whew, let’s dive right in, shall we? After four (long, cold, desolate) months of trying to figure out what happened after Chuck risked his entire life to save Miss Blair’s monstrous rock, Gossip Girl is in full force and here with all the answers.  No need to worry, my minions – Jenny (and her split ends/leggings/eye liner) did not appear on this episode. Rejoice!

OK. Here goes…

While Serena is going to the morgue – “What is that a strip club?” (Quote, unquote. Blair Waldorf, ladies and gentleman) – Nate is back at home in New York sipping coffee with Juliet, a sketchy girl he met in a restaurant.  Juliet is refreshingly charming at first but we all know that’s a surefire sign of a complete nut case. Well, everyone but Nate knows that.

See, Juliet seems to be brewing a screw-Serena-and-Nate-over stew and it’s starting to smell like victory.

Case A: She secretly knows everything about Nate and Serena. Hello, she keeps a bulletin board completely dedicated to Gossip Girl cutouts of the two. (Editor’s Note: Wait, is that not normal?) Call me crazy, but if that doesn’t raise her freak flag, I don’t know what will. (Editor’s Note: Oh….)

Case B: Juliet convinces Nate she should be his ‘life coach’ and she can finally help him win Serena’s recent affections for Dan.  Ugh, does Serena have to be the instigator for everything? Is she what John Mayer would describe as sexual napalm?!

Case C: She tells Vanessa the Baby Whisperer that Dan really has feelings for her so they can “take Dan out of the question using Vanessa” and give Nate a better chance to hone in on Serena and get her back.  Which doesn’t make any sense because doesn’t Juliet like Nate?  Then, to top it off, Dan and Vanessa end up hooking up because Dan tries to apologize and she makes him shut up because, “You don’t need to tell me, Nate already did.”  Then, Dan gets mad at Nate for telling Vanessa he had feelings for her when he really has feelings for Serena, right??

Did you get all that?

Oh. My. Lanta, I feel like I just ran a marathon.  That was a lot of information.  Take a minute to absorb. Eat a cookie. Eat a few more. OK, let’s get back to business.

SO, Dan and Nate have a bro-chat (with manly beer and hot cargo shorts, might I add) and talk Serena.  Want a summary of their conversation? Here it is: “Serena gets back tomorrow… what are we going to do?” Aaaand, end scene! I’m serious, that is about it.  True to nut case fashion, Juliet apologizes to Nate for intruding on him and his bud Danny-Doo and suddenly Nate has a hard-on for Juliet.  And just like she planned, Dan goes back to Vanessa and they kiss and make up.  Nothin an ol’ bro-versation won’t do!

Meanwhile, in Paris-town Blair is trying to feel all sparkly with Louis as he decks her wardrobe and brings her to a ball.  While Detective Serena is trying to find what Henry…er… I mean Chuck is up to with his ‘Dew vee need shots? Vhat dew vee pack?’ new woman, Blair finds carats, clarity and charisma in a jewelery shop that turns out…. houses the ring Chuck Bass owns!  Ugh, Paris is so complicated and beautiful.

So while Chuck is busy limping around Paris reinventing himself, Serena tries to convince Blair that she is the only one who can convince him to come back to New York and not completely give up his Empire to Serena’s mother. Which, would be really awful – duh.   Naturally, Blair rushes after him in a red dress that made my heart stop and they exchange a few, “I’d rather have nothing than be Chuck Bass…You can’t turn your back on who you really are…It wouldn’t be my world without you in its…” and BOOM, Blair is over Chuck and Chuck is flying his lover with him to New York.

“Don’t vee need teekets?” Chuck’s lover pleaded.
“We don’t need tickets. I’m Chuck Bass.”

Seriously, I’m dying.  This line wins the ‘Best Line in the History of Gossip Girl.’  In fact, what is up with all the Emmy slights every year? Have you heard what these people are saying, Academy?! It’s truly stunning. Kudos to you, Gossip Girl screenwriters! (Especially for writing J. Humph out for awhile. High fives!)

Blair on the other hand? She breaks up with her Prince, claiming she can’t live a fairytale.  She exits in true Miss Blair fashion, handing Louis her black pump and closing with, “It’s worth helluva lot more than a glass slipper.”  Oh Blair, you’ve always been one for fairytale endings.

OH and it turns out Milo (Dan’s “love child” with Georgina) has O-negative blood type.  You know what that means, little scientists? I’ll let you Wiki that and get back to me.

Until then, this poll is closed.

You know you love me.

(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

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