Apparently there are worse things about prison than toothbrush shanks and dropping the soap. More specifically: the Kardashians. The high-profile, high-drama family has caused “emotional distress” for one inmate after being forced to watch both Keeping Up With the Kardashians and Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami. The real kicker is this: he’s suing.
All silliness aside, it’s an understandable accusation. Anyone who’s watched a Kardashian marathon knows what it can do to the soul.
And that got me thinking – first about why this family has not one but two shows in the first place, and then about the idea of using really bad TV as a form of punishment. Because with all that dribble we’ve got going on these days, there is no better way to make a wrong-doer suffer.
19 Kids and Counting: It’s like the Brady Bunch on steroids without the fun parts (hard to imagine). 19, 20, 97 Kids and Counting… it’s enough to make anybody celibate for 25 to life.
Shaq VS: Having to watch the self proclaimed Shaqtastic, Shaqtacular Jolly Culturally Irrelevant Giant attempt to beat sports pros – and lose – would be torture. It’s just flat out ridiculous. He couldn’t even beat Justin Bieber (I wish I was joking).
Deal or No Deal: You think you’re not interested. Then all of a sudden you are sweating under the arms and screaming at the contestant “no deal! No deal!” while Howie Mandal smirks off in the corner. All to have it end with a briefcase full of 1 cent. It’s enough to make anyone go crazy.
Bridezillas: It’s bad enough that someone has to marry these crazy bitches. It’s TV’s version of water boarding for the unlucky people who have to watch it.
Lopez Tonight: George Lopez wouldn’t know late night entertainment if it hit him in the head, and that’s a big target. An hour of loud, incoherent jokes and high pitched one-liners. Save it for Mencia, George.
Secret Life of the American Teenager: Religion and sex brought to you by ABC Family. This batch of ungrateful teenagers would make anybody nuts, as they argue about Jesus and babies and baby Jesus.
Jerseylicious: More like Jerseytrocious.
Rachel Ray Show: It’s like one overdrawn episode of MADE: Oprah. Rachel Ray just can’t get enough of the sound of her own annoying voice. One day of sammy’s and EVOO and inmates will be begging for solitary confinement.
Tool Academy: Watching intolerable douche bags who are encouraged to show their incredible amounts of douchebaggery should rehabilitate even the hardest of criminals in under an hour.
The Sarah Silverman Program: Remember that time Sarah Silverman did a bit at the VMAs three years ago? Yeah, me neither. Because she’s a comedic disaster who makes the audience feel not only uncomfortable, but awkward.
Clean House: You want this to clean your house? Yes, she is as crazy as she looks. Now all you need to add to make someone repent for their sins is the token gay design guy, southern belle house maid, and decently attractive carpenter. Check, check aaaand check.
The O’Reilly Factor: This should just be deemed cruel and unusual.