Gossip Girl: Georgina Flies the Coop and Dan Cleans Up Milo’s Poop

"What do you mean, 'I look like Wilma Flinstone??'"

First of all, who else wants to squint and lip sync “XOXO GOSSIP GIRL” whenever the episode comes to an end?  I know I do, every single time.  Anyway, down to business.  Clearly whoever pitched this inning of GG had a seriously mean side arm.  Between Serena and Dorota’s camera skills, I could barely keep up!

The episode started off stressful enough because Gossip Girl was down (we don’t dig the silent treatment, GG!).  Meanwhile Serena and Blair play besties, milling around Columbia’s rainy campus – Serena way overdressed and Blair way over leoparded – and waltzing into The Hamilton House for a key.  Lucky for Serena, Juliet (her favorite conniving 27-year-old-trying-to-look-like-she’s-19 biznatch) is the key master. She gave Serena one of those “I-just-pooped-sideways” looks and said, “This is why I hate it when best friends come together…” and gives Blair “the only key left.” Oopsie, poopsie.

Later, while B is holding court at the Hamilton House, Juliet milks whatever plan she’s got cookin’ and makes Blair cancel plans with Serena.  This, of course gives Serena the go-ahead to put on her Gucci detective cap.   Thanks to GG’s technological advancements and ability to now stream video, she discovers Blair is lying about her “bubble bath” and really opted to hang out with Juliet.  Come on Serena, didn’t you know Blair hates to disrespect tradition!?  Oh also, (a guilty moment of enjoyment) Serena gets rejected by both Dan and Nate. Don’t worry Serena, you can cry if you want to.

Meanwhile, Rufus breaks it to Dan that “genetics don’t lie, son” and Dan wonders why Georgina isn’t back from her long weekend yet.  Well Dan, I think it has something to do with the mystery love child shackin’ up at your place.  Whatever, Vanessa goes beyond girlfriend duty to help take care of the baby for Dan.

Wait, did I switch over to an episode of Maury?
Oh wait – I see Louboutins. Still watching GG. Moving on….

OK, can we take a break from the dramz to talk about this whole relationship with Chuck and Eva? Adorbs.  She’s so naive and adorable with that accent, I just want to pinch her cheeks!  And when Chuck is around her he says things like “If I answered out loud, I’m afraid I’ll have to leave the store” when she asks him how the designer dress looks on her little European body.  This is also right before he buys it for her. All together now: awwww I want that dress love it!

I have to say the best scene of the show, though, was the next one, where Blair completely rips Eva a new one in the store after Chuck floats out (in total man-candy manner.)  In this verbal bitch slap, Blair triumphantly tells Eva she may want to accessorize with gloves because, “Not even a manicure could mask those peasant hands.” Rawr.  It’s OK, people – no need to worry about the poor and vulnerable Eva.  Chuck sweet talks her later before buttoning up his red nightie and sleeping with her in those 750 thread-count sheets.

Finally, detective Serena confronts Blair about Juliet’s “conspiracy” the next day under a clear umbrella.  In full form, Blair keeps the claws out and hisses, “This isn’t a conspiracy. Hamilton House just didn’t want you.” Ouch. Serena: 0, Blair: 2.  Serena hikes up her skirt and tries to prove a point to Juliet, but Juliet shuts it down by blaming Blair for Serena’s keyless undergrad experience: “Did you ever think Blair was going to let you steal her spotlight?” Boom, roasted. Serena: 0. Juliet: 80 (she gets an extra 79 points for making out with Nate at the end of the episode/fooling people into thinking she’s of college age).

Then, things get totally crazy/unrealistic.

Serena is heated at Blair for stealing her key so she storms into Fashion’s Night Out with perfect boobs in a perfect dress that doesn’t manage to get all dirty dragging on the NYC sidewalks.  All of the Hamilton ladies get all “prepare your cellphones ladies, it’s gonna be a Blair/Serena showdown” and Juliet just happens to find a plug behind the random TVs in the room to project the fight to the entire room. And then she pulls back the zebra curtain where she just happens to know Blair and Serena are fighting a mere 3 feet away.

But joke’s on you, Juliet!  S and B have discovered the joys of film-making!  Yep, they staged a scene (shout out to Dorota!) and wiped that sourpuss look right off of Juliet’s face.  Unfortunately for Juliet, sisterhood is alive and well in the Upper East side and (surprise!) the board members of the Hamilton House are also board members at Bass industries. I mean, of course they are. NYC is a teeny, tiny town.

B and S do a little UES high five and celebrate their victory. Only one person did not find S and B’s joke on Juliet charming.  And that person is Nate Archibald.  He screams some gibberish in Serena’s face and walks off to make out with Juliet.  In other news, Chuck fixes things with Eva with a few eyebrow raises and a discussion about who he really is (Chuck Bass, duh) and they make out in front of Blair.

This is where Blair utters the two best lines in the show:

“One taste of caviar – it baffles me how they [Nate and Chuck] settle for catfish.”
“I thought the only thing Nate got upset about was a badly rolled joint.”

Kudos, girlfriend.  Nothing makes a happy ending better than Blair sass.

Hmmm, I think that’s it but I feel like I’m forgetting something. OH, that’s right – Georgina comes back.  And she tells Dan someones trying to kill her because she slept with a guy in an airplane and now his wife is out to get her.  Soooo, (deep breath) she lied to Dan that Milo was his Cabbage Patch so she could show the psycho wife it’s not her hubby’s baby.  And it case that doesn’t leave you totally stumped, Juliet has a chat with some rando dude in jail in the last scene.  Her famous last words? “Don’t worry, we’ll get it finished.  Just work on not getting killed and butt raped.”

I guess you can say I have that “sideways poop” look on my face right now too.
Who is this old lady?!

You know you love me,

XOXO
-GGRG

(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

Candy Dish: I Don’t Want to Share Makeup With My Boyfriend
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