While I’ve been becoming increasingly comfortable with going to my local grocery and purchasing my monthly Maxim magazine, I had a moment while buying my October edition which pushed me right back to square one. First of all, the only magazine available looked like it had been used previously in the grocery store bathroom. The thing was an absolute disaster. Upon taking it to the cash register self check out, it refused to scan. Seconds later, I had nearly the entire Sunday staff attempting to scan my item: a big healthy Maxim magazine. And a family-size bag of Sunchips.
After smuggling the Maxim against my chest and running to the safety of my trusty Ford, I was welcomed with a free pair of 3D glasses and half naked pictures of Anna Kournikova ready to jump out at me. No wonder the issue I bought was mangled and slightly ripped. Any man who got a hold of it would not be able to wait another second to bust it open and take a gander. And I am not ashamed to admit that was the first thing I did prior to fleeing Food Mart.
Since I’m a total Halloween buff, I was more than excited to find the article ‘Halloween Eve Candy: Hot Models in Tiny Costumes.’ Well, except for that last part. Maxim also featured an article called, ‘How to Beat Up Bigfoot’ for all of those individuals out there who I know are concerned about coming face to face with a backyard bigfoot attack. For the record, start with an aerial assult; a ground attack is simply to risky.
Further into the issue, when I finally got past the many 3D images of Kournikova’s lucious ta-tas (might I add, the ocean in the background looked amazing), was a fabulous article debating whether or not one should celebrate Halloween. This is funny because in a list of pros and cons, they listed a pro as, “It’s acceptable to have your erection poking through your zipper as long as you make horsey noices and tell people you’re a unicorn.”
Anyway, an article that made me giggle was found in a little corner near the back called ‘The Grab Bag.’ For Halloween, it listed step by step how to ‘Cast A Spell On Her.’ AKA, how to steal a girl’s heart using sorcery. Thanks, Maxim, for making me nervous for the next full moon.
Maxim Says: Purchase a large pink candle. Yes, it has to be pink, since that’s the color associated with Venus, the goddess of boning.
Brittany Says: Personally, I would prefer a pumpkin spice scented candle. Yes, it has to be pumpkin spice because that’s associated with one of the best smells in the world and doesn’t make me question why the guy I’m with has a pink candle in his room.
Maxim Says: Mix your own batch of “venus oil” with cardamom, rose, spearmint, tonka, and ylang-ylang.
Brittany Says: Seriously, can we just stick with the pumpkin spice? I can’t stop thinking about it now. I can promise you, women will be flocking to you until their dying day.
Maxim Says: Rub the oil on the candle (or yourself, rawr!) while saying out loud what kind of lady you are looking for. Be specific – brunette, blonde, slim, woolly mammoth, etc.
Brittany Says: I’m confused about the woolly mammoth preference. Is this where ‘How to Beat Up Bigfoot’ comes into play?
Maxim Says: Venus is a fan of the number seven and of copper, so make the goddess an offering by placing seven pennies at the base of the candle. Let the candle burn for seven days. Sit back and wait for your dream woman to appear!
Brittany Says: Or sit back until you burn down your place of residency and lose your security deposit.
Maxim Says: Showing off your vintage G.I. Joe action figures will definitely undo any magic on her, so resist the urge.
Brittany Says: So will all that ylang ylang oil glistening on your chest. Life ain’t a Beyonce music video, kay?
Brittany Wonders, Worried: How many sad, pathetic, lonely Maxim readers are hitting up their local Yankee Candle right now?