Ask a Dude: We Hooked Up and Now He Won’t Talk to Me

Dear Dude,

So I’ve been feeling this guy for a while and last week after some serious making out we ended up hooking up at his place. No sex, just everything but, and in the morning I got my stuff and left cause I had a project to work on. I’m not naive. I understand that this was just a hookup and nothing serious, but the thing is I am friends with this guy. Or was, anyway.

I’m friends with his friends since we’re all in the same school organization and go out all the time. Before the hookup, him and I were cool and would all party together. Now that we hooked up, though, he’s acting like a total ass. Every time I see him out he barely says hi, he doesn’t text me back if I ask him where everyone’s heading out to the bars, and I feel like just saying hi to him he takes as me throwing myself on him. WTF?!

I am NOT expecting anything remotely serious out of what happened or even a regular hookup kind of a situation…I honestly would like us to stay cool and be friends. I don’t understand why he’s acting like a total tool and can’t be cool about this. If you could help me sort this all out, that’d be great!

Confused and Upset

Dear Confused and Upset,
If it walks like a douche, talks like a douche, and acts like a douche, well…

Not all guys only want to be friends with hot girls to hook up with them. Or at least that isn’t the only reason they become friends with hot girls. There are some. Then something happens between the sheets (or in the bathroom of your friend’s party, or the backseat, or while you’re watching an episode of Chuck…) and you wake up to find that the frog you kissed isn’t a prince but a prick. Why does a man seem to completely turn a 180 after sex is introduced into the equation? Let me postulate some possibilities then we’ll figure out which one feels right to you, Confused and Upset.

First possibility: He’s freaking out. Sometimes when you throw the hanky-panky into the mix the guy will turn rabbit and high tail it out of the friendship. He’s scared it’s going to become something he doesn’t want but instead of talking to you about it, he just pulls out (“and always, too soon”) of the whole thing. Or it’s his way of playing it cool but he doesn’t realize he’s putting a frost on any chance of something fun. That doesn’t make him so much of a douche as it does a pussy…cat, that is.

Second possibility: He only wanted one thing and you gave it to him. Some guys really only do care about hooking up with a girl they become friends with. They act in their one interest. Once they’ve climbed the mountain top they don’t feel the need to keep up pretenses any longer. So, they bail. Because they’re douches.

Third possibility: Amnesia.

Personally, I’m leaning toward door number 2.

I know you thought he was your friend, so how can he betray you like this? Well, now’s a good opportunity to step back and take a gander at the evidence. A lot of us like to ignore our friend’s faults. We care about them. They’re our friends! They’re good people! They’ll do right by us because we know that we always do right by them! Unfortunately, that’s not always the reality of the situation.

How many times do people we think are our friends actually let us down? They don’t come to our birthdays and then never bother telling us why. They don’t return phone calls for weeks at a time. They make out with someone you were crushing on. They tell you they’re done with the spy game but are conducting an international manhunt to find their long lost mother.

Everybody ends up getting burned by people we trust. What hurts the most is realizing that we maybe gave away our trust too easily or blindly. We feel like we did something wrong when the only thing we’re guilty of is putting our faith in someone who it turned out didn’t deserve it. Giving people a chance, friendship, trust, and confidence is one of the most rewarding experiences we can have.  Sometimes though, we get spurned and burned unjustly. We can take steps to make sure it doesn’t happen but there aren’t any guarantees. It comes back to the simple fact that we can’t control other people’s actions or reactions.

My advice, Confused and Upset, is either call his bitch ass out in the hopes of preserving friendship (or getting revenge) or decide to move on. Then, call up your other friends, the ones who’ve given you the same as you’ve given them, and buy them a drink. Because yeah, if this one guy’s acting like a douche, syllogism would easily prove he is, in fact, a douche. He’s only one guy, though. You’ve got other people in your life worth the time, effort, and affection you’ve got in you to give. Take inventory. Put some more focus on those relationships. A little time treasuring what you’ve got can help start the healing process.

Spotting spades,
The Dude

[Check out The Dude’s other insights into the male mind right here.]

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