Jersey Shore: Fistpumping, Frolicking and Fighting

We had many, many thoughts going into this episode. Many questions about how the Snooki/Angelina throwdown would go down. Questions on if Tee-Shirt time would make another appearance (it did). Questions if Pauly would, yet again, be a human alarm clock with a crazy Kool-Aid man “OH YEAHHHH!” voice (he was). As the episode started up, we only had one burning question in mind, 25 minutes in:

WHERE IS SNOOKI?

MTV, you threw a lot at us this episode. A lot. So much that I was actually compelled to watch the After Show, wondering how to steal the host’s job. Let’s break this episode down by the major events.

PART I: The Situation Gets Punched by a Girl (again) and Bangs a Canadian, eh?
Angelina socks The Situation in the face and JWoww has a heart-to-heart with her since they can now bond over the common ground about punching Sitch in the face. WTF, Jenni? We miss your ‘roid rage. Situation reiterates that he’s the glue/leader of the shore crew and reminds us all that Angelina sucks. He moves his frustration to the club Karma/Kantra/Krib or whatever it was, and brings along some Canadian girl who’s a real handful in the sack and on the dance floor, fighting women off her man’s abs. Vinny makes some Canadian joke aboot the girl and Nutella and the crew all listens to them scream and moan in the smush room. (Seriously, that ish was loud.)

PART II: DJ Pauly D’s Words of Wisdom
“It’s a guy thing” RE: Angelina bringing home randos. Um, okay. Double standards much, DJ? Whatever, we’re not judging your hyper-organized closet or the fact that you use a hairdryer. Moving past the misogyny, we can’t stay mad at you. We just love your “OH YEAHHHH” and the start up of “Tee Shirt Tiiiiiiiiime.” You may have even trumped Ramona Singer’s “Turtle Time.”

PART III: Angelina in MTV’s “THE DECISION”
If it weren’t blindingly clear Angelina, you are not Lebron and the JShore cast is not Cleveland. They do not give a flying dirty pad if you leave or not. Please stop trying to keep us in suspense and kindly leave. You throw around the word “yous” and scream about everyone being fake; deny being a whore; lie about sleeping with people; claim you have friends and a life (who’s fake now?); leave cheese all over the Escalade; tell Mike to “drop ya ugly face”; and eventually (THANKFULLY) pack your bags, leave them outside for the gang to see (and scream at), and sit on the couch with a miserable look on your already miserable face, playing with your Donald Trump bangs.

ATTENTION ANGELINA: YOU ARE A SOCIOPATH AND RUINED THIS SEASON OF THE SHORE. NOBODY LIKES YOU.

PART IV: Snookin’ For Love
We learn all about what Snooki is looking for in a man other than the exterior of ethnicity (tan) and gender (gorilla). She wants someone who can not only fistpump, but “frolick,” likes to sleep in (as in, in his sunglasses?) and is a dork at heart. She rejects match.com (again). Maybe she should start her own Guidette dating site? She and Jenni vow to find her a man either at the gym, tanning salon or local Ed Hardy store. Instead, she finds someone, at a club, who Angelina had already hooked up with. Which brings us to…

PART V: Snooki vs. Angelina
“In one corner we have Snooki, 4 feet 1 inch, 2 with the poof and in the other we have Angelina weighing in at 322 pounds…” Ron announces the fight and the catfight begins. Embarrassing that Angelina is stone cold sober and Snooki can’t even see straight enough to throw a glass jar of shells at Angelina’s bulbous head. Luckily, The Situation swoops in and moves the coffee table, for fear it may get injured. Watching this fight was actually painful, like watching toddlers scuffle on a playground. Frankly, it was pathetic and didn’t live up to the hype. And we nearly see Snooki’s poopa again and again. Angelina storms out of the house (FINALLY) and advises them all again that they are fake and that The Situation needs to invest in some Botox. Pauly and Vinny dash off to rearrange the feng shui of the bedroom.

 

Good riddance, Angelina – you will not be missed. I would recap all the highlights of you being in the house, but I just don’t have any. I do, however, have a question:

Who still wears pads?! Oh right, too loosey goosey to hold a tampax.

Until next week, keep that V-Neck fresh and continue keep Sammi off future episodes.

Duke It Out: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
Duke It Out: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
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