Gossip Girl: Chuck Tries to Reward Eva for Her Tricks

"I am being an evil biznatch because I still love you and am too proud to admit it."

I was way excited to dig into this week’s Gossip Girl.  Did Juliet finally get Botox and a new wardrobe so she could at least appear five years younger?  Is that french fairy, Eva, going to touch Chuck with her magic wand?  Is Dan going to get the sensation of baby poop out of his nostrils?  How can Eva tell time through all that Cartier sparkly?  Will Serena die refreshing the pages of Gossip Girl?

We have all the answers right here, in your favorite GG recap.

Along with the juicy deets, I thought I would shake things up a little bit (rawr, I’m scandolous.)  Today, in the fashion of Joan Rivers after every. single. award show, I’m breaking down last night’s episode to Bests and Worsts. Because any fan of Gossip Girl knows that as soon as something starts looking great for someone on the UES (or, these days, UWS), it’s not long before it takes a turn for the way, way worse.  Charles Dickens said it himself, people: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”

Best/Worst Transformation: Chuck Bass
Because Eva truly fell in love with Chuck when he was Henry, Chuck is a brand new man.  How could he not want to be one, when he’s dating someone who looks as fragile as a 12-year-old?  I don’t know anything else (besides actually being a father) that would inspire someone want to be a better person quite like this. But it doesn’t last long. (Editor’s Note: Ugh, in my eyes, good Chuck lasted an entire episode too long.) Blair’s EVIL scheming eventually leads Chuck to a non-exsistant Eva Foundation with 5 million dollars to spend on stray puppies or something, which outrages Chuck and returns him to his old, vengeful self.

Operation transformation: aborted.
(However, yay for evil Chuck! Missed you, lover.)

Best/Worst Revelation: Eva
Anndddd surprise! Eva has a prostitute past!  Bet you didn’t see that one coming; even Blair had no idea! And this shiz is legit; she’s even on a webpage… with a price list! And she didn’t even cringe when a homeless guy licked her arm, which makes it even more legit. Chuck didn’t seem to mind (lord knows it wasn’t the first hooker he’d hooked), but it did eventually lead to some trust issues, a big blowout at Chuck’s gala and a swift exit.  Bon voyage, Mademoiselle!

Best/Worst Schemer: Blair ‘We need to take that tart down’ Waldorf
Blair gets right down to Blairwaldorfing business in attempts to ruin Chuck and Eva’s surprisingly perfect relationship and, so she says, save Chuck.  Blair even admits to Eva, “You should have known him [Chuck] before he was shot, he sold me for a hotel.” Low blow, woman. Low blow.

Eventually, it begins to work, when Blair finds out about Eva’s prosty past and claims Ms. Perfect truly did know who Chuck Bass was when Blair found his passport in her suitcase.  However, Blair’s plan backfires when Chuck finds out Eva didn’t have the passport and ‘B’ really does stand for betrayal.  Then – like that – Chuck’s fairy has left the country and old Chuck, bad Chuck, new Chuck, good Chuck, bad Chuck. Get all that?

Looks like Blair’s scheming abilities have led to a good ol’ fashioned Blair/Chuck WWII. (And I can’t contain my excitement….)

Best/Worst Dressed: Serena
Serena’s red dress at the Gala? Win. That weird little side braid thing? Well, I get why she ended up alone with Blair crying into her lap that night.

Best/Worst Compulsive Liar: Juliet
Alright, this biotch is just plain sketch.  And Nate isn’t helping our case; he will believe anything she says (like the fact that she’s in college….). Nate, I know you have a lot of skeletons in your Archibald closets (and lots of big closets), but can you get a clue already!? Thank god we’re not all as dense and dumb as Nate Archibald (seriously, how did he get into Columbia??). That Juliet doesn’t fool me!  I know her little secrets: She’s really forty, her “brother” Ben is her secret lover and she has the freakiest vendetta against Serena van der Woodsen I’ve ever seen. This is the makings for a Law and Order ep. Maybe even SVU.

Best/Worst Detective: Dan
First, can I just say that Dan’s military haircut ain’t lookin supa fly.  Sorry dude – I liked your look better when you were changing Milo’s diapers. Anyway, since Dan’s mad browsing skills led him to Googling ‘brothal’ and revealing Eva’s prostituting days, he was a momentarily hero (in Blair’s eyes).  But Dan is not his best personal detective.  He nearly ruined his relationship with Vanessa in attempts to mend things with Serena.  Thank God V has nowhere else to live….otherwise, you woulda lost her, too, brah.

Best/Worst Leave of Absense: Little J
Actually, just best. There is nothing (worse) about Jenny Humphrey keeping her straggly little legs and angry eyeliner out of the Upper East Side and my HD CW Network.

Best/Worst Upgrade: Gossip Girl Live Feed
Gossip Girl has taken a fierce dive into the 21st Century! They are finally using a live (video!) mini-feed on the website!  Kudos GG, I was getting tired of those (extremely teeny) cellphone pictures on your site.  However, the new livefeed is keeping everyone too occupied. Nate, Serena and Blair can’t seem to drop it. I smell cellphone sex tapes in the future….

Until next time,

GGRG (Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

Candy Dish: You’re Fired
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