The Real 7 Reasons Your Roommates Hate You

The Huffington Post created this gem of a slideshow several days ago.  Liz O’Neill claims that the usual reasons your roommates loathe you (you’re a slob, a mooch, etc.) are veils for deeper, subtler issues. Actually, they hate you because you are prettier than them. And, you’re going to make more money than them in a few years!

As I read this, I felt like I was listening to a mother stroke her child’s ego. The different hate-causing categories of behavior Ms. O’Neill gives are bizarre. And, based on my own college experiences, totally ludicrous (I mean, seriously? My roommates don’t like me because I have a diary? Seriously?).

So, here are the REAL 7 reasons your college roommates hate you. And sorry – we’re not going to sugar-coat these bad boys.

1.     You’re a Bad Drunk

You’re as sweet as candy during the day. But, after a few shots, you’re slurring your words. You’re cursing like a sailor. You’re losing all functionality in your limbs. As your roommates carry you home, vomit decorating your Sevens, you tell them you hate them and they all suck. The next morning, you feel awful, but you can’t understand why everyone’s so mad because you remember nothing. Well, newsflash: Your roommates hate you because, actually, you’re the one that really sucks.

2.     You’re a Kleptomaniac

When you’re getting ready for work in the morning, hours before your roommates roll out of bed, you steal some Bumble and Bumble hair product from the medicine cabinet. Later that night, when you’re craving a late-night study snack, you grab a bag of your pretzels. Ick, they’re stale. So, you eat your roommate’s instead. When you realize you ate an obvious amount, you throw a few of the stale ones into your roommate’s bag of Snyder’s. You never borrow anything massive, but all the little things add up daily. And she notices.

3.     You Have a 3rd Roommate… Every Night

Visitors: You love them in the morning, and in the afternoon. You love them in the evening, and underneath the moon. Well, guess what? Your roommate doesn’t. She’s tired of getting sexiled the night before her Econ exam or looming research paper deadline. Learn to keep it in your pants or start dividing your time between your house and your special friend’s to ease the roommate tension.

4.     You’re Messy

Your hair is clogging the shower drain. You left your underwear and smelly workout clothes in the middle of the room. You snacked on some ice cream and frosting and left the dirty bowl and silverwear underneath the couch. You left your dirty pad on the bathroom floor. And now your roommate wants to go all Snooki WWE on you.

5.     You’re Always on the Phone

“OMG!! NO WAY…HE DID NOT!” you shout while your roommate tries to watch the episode of Glee she missed on her laptop. After you hang up, you hear a notification on your computer. Sammy wants to Skype! You click accept, and begin chatting away. We get it: staying in touch with home friends is important in college. However, be respectful of your roommate’s space. She doesn’t want to hear every little detail of Sammy’s life. Or the other 132 people you talk to weekly. Hold the phone (or video chat) until she’s out of the room.

6.     You Love the Snooze Button

Oh, you snoozed 7 times this morning? 3 hours before your roommate needed to be up for class? Yeah, I wonder why she’s pissed.

7.     You’re Passive Aggressive

When something is really bothering you (like the Klepto, Snooze-pressing, insanely sloppy roommate), you are cold. You monosyllabically answer their friendly questions. When they ask you what’s wrong, you say nothing. Welcome to the land of Passive Aggressivia. Population: You. If you want to stop disliking your roommate, you need to actually let them know they are doing something that’s bothering you instead of hoping they’ll get the message. Speak up and you’ll quickly be on the road to a better college-living life.

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