Gossip Girl: I Almost Forgot How Much I Used To Enjoy Your Pie

Do Columbia students not carry books?

Have you ever been so excited for something – counting down the minutes, planning your day around it, fantasizing about how amazingly awesome it is going to be, turning off your cell phone so you won’t be interrupted – only to be totally disappointed? Yeah, welcome to the day I lost my virginity my Monday night.

So thanks for nothing, Gossip Girl.

After Chuck’s brazen (and dare I say super sexy) declaration of war during last week’s episode, I was chomping at the bit to see how things would go down. As each day passed, I got more and more excited for my Monday night date with Chuck and the rest of the UES crew. I had dreams (that are too inappropriate to divulge here) about me, Chuck and his private plane. I had visions of a Chuck and Blair reunion. I wrote aggressive emails to the GG writing staff to push Juliet out of a window at the top of the Empire….

And then, 60 boring minutes and a bag of pretzel M&Ms later, I was bitter and angry…and really thirsty (seriously, what is it with those M&Ms?). What was it that was getting my granny panties in a bunch?

Dan and Vanessa Fight:
SHOCKER! It’s been, what, 10 minutes and they’re already having another relationship-altering altercation? About Serena?! And Rufus is trying to give advice? NO. NO WAY. SAY IT AIN’T SO! THIS COUPLE NEVER FIGHTS!

OK so, yes, this one was a bit more exciting because it wasn’t about some boring NYU writing program or an illegitimate child. And it was the result of some serious scheming on Juliet’s part. But still. It’s another fight. And another break up. And…zzzzzzz.

Chuck and Blair Battle:
I’ll admit, seeing Chuck’s sexy evil face was the highlight of my night. And his whole “I’m not trying to make a point, Blair. This is just a warm up. Whatever you want, wherever you want it, I’m going to be there to take it away from you. I wont stop until you have nothing” speech was sexy as hell. But Blair trying to impress a feminist professor by SETTING HER UP ON A DATE WITH A MAN? And Chuck swapping out that man for a lesbian with a great scarf?

Really? That’s the best you people can do? This is Chuck Effing Bass and Blair Waldorf (creator of ‘Blair Waldorfing’)! To say I’m disappointed in both of their performances is like saying that I only kinda like Dorota. Yeah, major understatement.

Serena has an STD:
First, what a lame ass GG rumor. Second, was this an episode of Gossip Girl or an after-school special about safe sex? (Or an add for Tiffany and Co.’s key collection?) And, on a completely unrelated note, this is New York City; how hard is it for Serena to hail another cab when that man-whore keeps stealing hers every morning?!

Every Girl in NY is More Pathetic Than The Other:
Blair’s minion is willing to turn on her and sell her out to Chuck Bass. Vanessa doesn’t trust her boyfriend, no matter how many times he explains himself, so she agrees to steal Serena’s phone to snoop. Some Columbia professor (who is allegedly a feminist) is willing to accept bribes (in the form of single and rich men) in exchange for a student assistant position. Nate falls for Juliet’s lies every. single. time.

Oh, right. Nate’s not a girl. Although you wouldn’t know it – the guy is such a naive wuss.

It’s enough to make you throw your cell phone. And since I’m on my third iPhone this year, I’m glad mine wasn’t within grabbing/chucking distance. Honestly, the only 30 seconds of last night’s Gossip Girl that was worth watching was the scenes for next week. Did you see it?

The thick, black eyeliner?
The long, straggly hair?
The sourpuss look?

That’s right, kids – J Humph (and the dramz) is BACK. And if that’s not enough, she’s bringing the big guns (like TIM GUNN) with her.

Let’s just hope she also brings Gossip Girl back to it’s former glory. I never thought I’d say this, but I miss the girl.

Candy Dish: The Kardashians Make Your Family Look Normal
Candy Dish: The Kardashians Make Your Family Look Normal
  • 10614935101348454