So the current issue of Psychology of Addictive Behaviors (which sounds like a very legit publication) released a study that I think you’ll find quite interesting. “Interesting” in that you wouldn’t have expected the results, not in a million years, and please note that after reading this, your life will be forever changed. Okay, are you ready for me to enlighten your narrow, sheltered mindset?
Wow, I know. Let that sink in for a minute. Would you have ever guessed that while visiting countries with lower drinking ages, things called discotheques, and a plethora of town pubs, college students would have the balls to increase their booze consumption? Color me shocked.
As someone who’s now very interested in subscribing to this extremely scientific journal, I just want to alert the editors of a few more studies they might be interested in conducting (but really don’t need to).
Just Discovered: Drunk Students Eat More Pizza than Sober Students
Drunk munchies happen. Usually around 3AM as the bars are closing and that pizza place across the street is still open. Two slices with pepperoni and extra cheese sound like a brilliant investment in your health, so you stumble to the counter, place your order, and throw down the $2.50. For some reason, going through these same motions in broad daylight really doesn’t hold the same appeal (unless it’s post-kegs and eggs on game day).
Standards Lowered After Six Hours in Bar, “Beer Goggles” Found as Cause
It’s late, you’re drunk, and that extra-long single is going to be mighty lonely when you get back to the dorm. What’s a girl to do? Chat up that mediocre-looking, possibly younger dude standing at the end of the bar, that’s what. His eyes are a little off center and his nose hooks to the left, but your room’s dark. No biggie.
Breaking News: Most Papers Written Only Twelve Hours Prior to Deadline
Two weeks to write six pages on Charlotte Bronte? Please, you can knock that thing out in an afternoon. Except one afternoon interrupted by “something better” leads to another and before you know it, you’re staring at a blank word document, a setting sun, and a clock you swear is six hours fast. Procrastination is a bitch, but it’s better than being responsible and missing out on all those hours you spent Facebook stalking.
Solving the Pre-Game Mystery: Why Students Drink Before They Drink
Have you ever tried to explain the concept of pre-gaming to an adult? Did they look at you like you had a problem and throw around words like “addict” and “AA meeting”? If you’re in college, it makes sense to drink before you go out drinking. Imagine walking into a bar completely sober. Yikes! All those strangers, that loud music…what am I supposed to do with my hands!? I’m getting social anxiety just thinking about it.
After 2:45 AM and Five Shots of Jim Beam, Everyone Becomes a Culinary Arts Major
Some nights, pizza just doesn’t scratch the itch. And that’s when you run back to your apartment or dorm, flip on the Food Network, and check out what’s in your fridge. Ravioli Lean Cuisine, salted cashews, soy sauce packets, and one lone gummy worm become a cornucopia of international flavors when stirred together in a solo cup. Leftover dining hall chicken fingers, a clam chowder Soup-at-Hand, and stale Ritz crackers morph into a potpie even Jamie Oliver would be proud of.