Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: November Edition

First, take off his pants!

Then read this post.

No, seriously. Cosmo wants you to. And next, treat him to the sexy strokes he’s been craving all along…but won’t ask for (like that one where you make little crawling motions with your fingers from his hips to his chin).

Wait, stop!  Would you jump off a bridge if Cosmo did?! For real, I was flabbergasted when I saw the biggest headline on this issue placed strategically next to Katy Perry‘s wonder-breasts.  Especially knowing that my 16-year-old sister bought the magazine this month.  I hope she’s looking only at the (very microscopic) fashion section in this November edition. It’s on pages 65-74, for all of those concerned sisters and mothers out there.

After being transfixed by Katy’s cleave for a good twenty minutes (“how do they sit like that?!”), I finally snapped out of it and opened the magazine. And what did I find? Alex Rodriguez’s smug grin and the title of ‘Celeb Bachelor of the Year.’ That was more disappointing then my dream about birthing Levi Johnston’s love child.  Sorry if you’re a Yankee fan, but no thanks.  However, lucky for all your Chewbacca boyfriends out there, Cosmo also shows you a ‘Fast Fix for his Unibrow.’ (Since I’m sure he wouldn’t take offense to you suffocating him with your white eyeliner pencil…)

For all the women out there concerned about what other chicas are doing to get all freaky between the sheets, Cosmo provides us with a ‘Naughty Sex Check List.’ Yummy, time to get super and uncomfortably personal.  Then, Cosmo gives us the ‘3 Weird Signs He’s Into You.’ These include: eating steak, starting to talk like you, and his mind going blank. OK – so if you go to Red Lobster and he orders a Filet Mignon, he starts mimicking your hand movements, and forgets your name – you’re in.  Super!  Thanks Cosmo!

One of my favorite pages full of words this month was an article showcasing ‘Giveaway Signs a Guy is Toxic.’ It looks like someone forgot to do their job and threw this article together on the Sunday night before the magazine was published, because they compared body-language to Jesse James, Tiger Woods, Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, and Kanye West.  Come on, guys – this is like showing giveaway signs Britney Spears needed therapy back in her taking a razor to her noggin days. Get the picture, duh.

But, of all the juicy articles in this month’s issue, Cosmo was there for us the most when they helped their readers, Keep Your Long-Distance Love Hot.’ Oh, goodie.  I’m hoping they will have some advice for me when I Skype with my BFFs in Spain!  Time to get dirty, peepsies!

Cosmo Says: Start a Flickr account, and update it with a new picture each evening so you can “see each other every day.”
Brittany Says:
I feel like this would be time consuming.  I waste enough time creating witty albums on my Facebook page!  Do you think I have enough time in my day to be uploading pictures to a Flickr account of me trying to look ultimately sexy in my dorm room after an episode of Glee? Meh.

Cosmo Says: To turn up the heat during Skype sex, pan up and down your body instead of leaving the camera on one spot.
Brittany Says:
Yay, Skype advice! However, technology sex has never really been my thing.  Go ahead and call me boring, but in my Skype etiquette, I like to keep it a mystery what I’m wearing below.  Putting makeup on and leaving my sweats and Team Taylor shirt is enough of a makeover for a Skype sesh.

Cosmo Says: Call his cell when you know he can’t answer, and leave a sexy soundtrack of you pleasuring yourself.
Brittany Says:
Honestly, I would probably have to pound back a few shooters before I considered doing this.  And where does Cosmo suggest I do this?? I’m trying to figure out how this would work for me, and I’m LOLing. I can see it now…huddled in the corner of my apartment, drunk, and trying to sound like Jenna Jameson while pressing my face into my cell phone mouth piece.  For my man, it would sound like I was sexy-talking him through the Burger King drive thru.

Cosmo Says: Instant-stream a movie or show on Xbox Live, and watch it together.
Brittany Says:
This reminds me of seventh grade when me and my boyfriend would watch The Real World on MTV and not say a word for an hour.  No thanks, I don’t have unlimited minutes on my cellphone line anymore.

Wait. I know!  Maybe we could do this while we Skype and I pan the camera up and down my body! I hope my boyfriend’s ready for a Real Housewives marathon!! Hotness.

Check out what other madness the mags are spilling each month.

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