Ask a Dude: He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not?

Dear Dude,

My best friend came clean this summer and told me he has had feelings for me since the eighth grade (six years). There is one problem: he has had a girlfriend for a little over two and a half years. He told me he is losing interest in her, she is not his type, and he hates so many things about her; she was just the girl he needed at the time. He tells me I am beautiful and always makes me feel special. He and I have so much in common – we hung out all summer (he saw me more than his girlfriend), his mother even told him to break up with his girlfriend for me. He is the perfect guy for me he is really sweet and romantic and knows absolutely everything about me. I know him better than anyone else and he knows me just as well.

I went to visit him at school this year and I met all of his friends and they kept asking him if I was his new girlfriend. The day I had to leave to go back to my school he told me he didn’t know what he was still doing with his current girlfriend and every time his friends asked him if I was his new girlfriend he wanted to say yes. He also told me every time he sees me his feelings for me grow stronger and stronger.

I started to get sick of him telling me about all of his feelings for me and not doing anything about it. So I took some advice from my sister and told him that I couldn’t wait around for him. He broke up with his girlfriend. We didn’t talk for a few days, which is not normal at all because we talk all day and every day. I understand he needed space and time to think, but later that weekend he deleted me off of Facebook. I asked him what was going on and he told me his ex made him do it. That night he told me he might be getting back with his her because losing her for two days made him realize that everything he hated about her didn’t matter to him anymore. When he said that, it made me feel like he was telling me that I was not worth it. He made me promise to be his best friend forever because he needs me in his life.  He also told me he wishes I would have had feelings for him sooner because we would probably be together, and now he wants his feelings for me to fade because he knows they will never go away.

Is he just afraid of change? Did I mess everything up? Should I wait around for him? Would it be a bad idea to see him over Thanksgiving break? I don’t think I know how to move on from him – what should I do?

I’m in need of major advice,
Broken Hearted Girl

Dear Broken hearted girl,

Say it with me: “Never Again!”

You didn’t do anything wrong except get caught in his narcissism. And yes, your best friend is acting like a narcissist. His bullsh*t is about him, not you. You are not responsible for his choices. You were drawn to him, you cared about him, you gave him your friendship and trust. You were willing to give him more but he didn’t want it. He didn’t spurn you because of anything you did, he burned you because he figured he could and keep everything status quo: revolving around him.

Casanova, Peter Sellers, Lex Luthor, Chuck Bass, Gilderoy Lockhart, what do they all have in common? They all think (thought) that the sun rose and set according to what they wanted. Their needs are (were) the most important. Everyone they have (had) relationships with have (had) to make them their number one priority. Sound familiar?

Look, I’m not saying this guy maliciously tricked you into making him the center of your world. Most narcissists don’t realize they’re narcissists. They think they’re benevolent, doing what’s best for everyone else. Of course, it’s convenient that what they think is best for everyone ends up serving them the most. That’s the paradox. “Crazy people don’t know they’re crazy.”

He played you. He played his ex, too. When he was with her, he couldn’t stand her. Without her, he suddenly forgives everything that he disliked about her. Que? What he’s asked of you is completely unfair. For the sake of his relationship you have to take a backseat. For his world to keep going round he wants you in his life but you have to swallow your feelings. Never mind the betrayal of leading you on and then deadending your affections. Never mind he picked his ex over you. Never mind what you want. As long as his tunnel vision is 20/20.

My advice is to go cold turkey. Your self-worth doesn’t come from his approval. You need to take some distance. You need to focus on other friendships. You need to indulge your own wants. Start with making a list. Put on it things you do, alone, that make you happy, e.g. Chuck or Smallville marathons. Then make a list of things you want to do but haven’t tried yet, e.g. eating sushi or going skydiving. Do one thing from the former and make a point to do one thing from latter. Reaffirm who you are and then surprise yourself.

Walking this land with broken dreams,
The Dude

[Check out The Dude’s other insights into the male mind right here.]

The Lost College Stereotypes
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