So our favorite drug-totin’ galpal LiLo is taking a quick vacay from rehab tomorrow to chat with the judge about her jail time. Rumor has it that Lilo’s team is going to argue that she needs to stay in rehab because she’s making like so much progress. And here at CC headquarters, we’re totally on Team Rehab. (Not that we need it….) The fact that she’s related to Dina AND Michael Lohan is enough of a reason to put her in 24/7 therapy for the rest of her life, let alone the whole lil drug issue.
In fact, we don’t think she should ever step foot in jail even after she’s good and clean. It’s a total waste of time for everyone involved. (Well except TMZ. But we can’t always be looking out for them, you know?) We have a few other productive alternatives to Linds serving jail time — things that will really teach her a hard lesson while also paying back her debt to society.
1. Make a Parent Trap Sequel – Not only was this the most action-filled, heartwrenching, laugh-till-it-hurts movie ever made, but it truly showcased just how talented Lindsay is when it comes to acting. She played two parts and totally had me believing that Annie and Hallie were two different people. Since Hollywood is updating every other movie ever made, we thought it would be great to get a 3D IMAX sequel in the works. Is Annie in grad school!? Is Hallie an ear piercer at a mall kiosk?! Not only are we going to catch up with our fave twinsies (sorry Winklevi Twins, you just can’t compete), but we’re going to get to see LiLo show off her acting chops once again. Because this time around, she’s playing all the parts. Hallie, Annie, Martin, Chessie, Mom, Dad, and yes, Grandfather.
2. Apologize for I Know Who Killed Me – Because before this film we were all on Team Lindsay. Mean Girls! Freaky Friday! PARENT TRAP! All I ask is that she log on to Twitter for a minute and say sorry. And refund my ticket money and my $9 movie popcorn. Oh, and give a personal apology to my 19-year-old sister who was my movie date. We had to have quite the talk after that movie.
3. Lock Ali Lohan in her Room – Mama Dina be damned. There’s no way we’re letting another Lohan into the spotlight. Yes, some damage has already been done. Yes, she’s posed provocatively and yes, she’s been on a reality show all about her mother’s desperation to make her famous. But no, we will not let her start sniffing (literally) around Hollywood for a chance to fill her sister’s shoes.
4. Go to college – A few years away from Hollywood stressing about sweat pant weight gain and final papers will give her a little perspective. Like remind her that not all 20-year-olds are clubbing with their mother, file restraining orders against their media-loving daddy, and fight over Aaron Carter (remember that?!). And she’ll definitely have her choice of colleges. I mean, her essay is going to blow the admissions committee out of the water. Forget that kid that did a community service teen tour and check out the girl who chased down her assistant at high speeds while high on cocaine.
5. Fan College Candy on Facebook – And no, we’re not just saying that for selfish reasons. We just want the best for our baby girl and there’s nothing better for a 20-something lady than our fan page. Especially because we’re giving away a beer pong table to one lucky fan. And Lindsay will need that for all the games of water pong that are in her future.
So yeah, if anyone knows the judge’s address, just send this along.