Maxim Says the Darndest Things: November Edition

Unlike Brody Jenner, I was extremely depressed when I saw Avril Lavigne’s trashy corset and horse-tail extensions smeared all over Maxim this month.  Regardless, loyal to the man-mag and the bro-tastic insight inside, I snatched up the magazine. And that badboy was thick!  I even had to pull out my 3-D goggles again for a few (almost) nakie chick spreads.  This shiz puts the IMAX theater and Avatar to shame!

Inside, once you got past the trying-to-be-sexy Avril pics, was a hilarious small feature on celebs that truly need them some Dr. Drew.  They included Jennifer Aniston (because of her addiction to crappy rom coms), Lebron James (because of his inability to refer to himself in first person), and Barack Obama (because of his chemical dependence on mom pants).  There was also one of those charts, like the ones in J-14 that help you decide which celebopper you’re going to marry, however Maxim’s helps you decide what type of person you are going to hook up with during Thanksgiving.  If you’re interested, I took the quiz.  Apparently I’m going to hook up with my grandmother’s Jamaican nurse.

Also in November’s issue, Bret Michaels was featured in an article telling us how to be a reality star.  Unfortunately, he left out the important stuff like “get a spray tan” and “always cover up forehead acne with a bandanna.”  He did leave us with this gem, though: “At some point you have to forget about the cameras all around you. I had to get drunk.” OHEMGEEEEE, Bret! We’re so synced – just replace “cameras” with “D-Bags and midterms.” 

But even that wasn’t enough to grab my full attention quite like Maxim’s take on giving thanks….to sex.  The article featured a bit about what real girls are most thankful for…in bed. And my oh my, the article seemed pretty right on. Especially the smaller inset article, ‘Thanks, But No Thanks: These Items Make Our List of Sexual Turkeys’ that took a look at the crazy sexy toys people turn to. I hear you loud and clear, Maxim –  some sex toys just aren’t great for play foreplay.

Here’s what I have to say about ’em:

Maxim Says: Fundies. Just think of the three-legged races you could have in these smushy panties for two.
Brittany Says:
Fundies?!  I think a pair of sexy undies is probably better for sexy time than shoving all of your good stuff into one pair of panties with your man.  This reminds me of those three-legged races I hated in middle school.  Hated! I would always trip and embarrass myself in front of my entire class. Looking back, though, at least I wasn’t nearly naked with my partner’s bits flopping around right next to me. Whose ideas was this?!

Maxim Says: Oral Sex Light. Bluetooth headset meets reading lamp in this totally unnecessary sex “toy.” Ironically, can’t help you find your dignity when it’s on.
Brittany Says:
This sounds like MTV’s Room Raiders gone all wrong.  The only time I want to see a “oral light” is when my dentist is sticking it in my mouth to make sure I haven’t developed a nasty case of gingivitis.

Maxim Says: Blowup Sheep. If you’re into animals, go for it. But wouldn’t the real thing be better than the silence of this lamb?
Brittany Says:
The fact Maxim compared this sex toy to Hannibal Lecter is enough to scare me sh*tless. And the fact that they’re discussing getting down and dirty with a live animal is just too much for words.

Maxim Says: Al Gore’s Sex Scandal.  Charges against him were dropped, but we’re still scarred for life by the idea of Gore exposing his south pole and telling a message therapist, “Take care of this.”
Brittany Says:
I don’t understand how anything about Al Gore has to do with sex toys.  Let’s just leave this man to his Global Warming campaign and as far away from the bedroom as possible. Shudder.

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