And another one bites the dust. It was announced today that Disney’s pop sensation Demi Lovato would be leaving her scheduled music tour with the Jonas Brothers and checking into rehab instead. The official word is that she’ll be seeking treatment for emotional and physical issues, though insiders are saying her list of ailments include an eating disorder, cutting, and possibly a cocaine addiction. So many achievements, and all before her 19th birthday! Looks like we might have another Lindsay Lohan on our hands with this one.
Seriously, though, what is it with Disney child stars coming completely unhinged at so young an age? Demi is hardly the first to go from squeaky clean teen dream to coke snorting crazyface. Though she’s got a while before working her way up in the ranks of Mickey’s family of train wrecks, God love her, she’s off to a good start. Here’s what she’s up against:
Reigning Queen of the Disney Slums: Lindsay Lohan
I’ve lost count of how many times she’s been in and out of rehab, but despite her best mediocre efforts, something just isn’t working. Is she there now, making another botched attempt at sobriety? Is she in Kitson spending money she doesn’t have? Is she at her on-again/off-again girlfriend’s house? Is she famewhoring with her momager and 40 year-old little sister? Who knows! One thing’s for certain, LiLo is absolutely not the precious redhead we fell in love with back in the Parent Trap days.
Princesses of Unplanned Pregnancies: The Spears Sisters
Both Britney and Jamie Lynn were Disney stars and both turned from southern sweethearts to white trash baby mamas. Remember how wholesome Britbrit was back in her Mouseketeer days? Well, throw in a little K-Fed and girl went weak at the knees. Before long she was pregnant (twice), bald, and locked in the bathroom having a breakdown while holding her son hostage. And JL? Knocked up at 16 was hardly the route Disney was looking to take her show. Thankfully she was fired before she could learn day drinking and mothering don’t mix.
Maiden of Naked Mirror Pics: Vanessa Hudgens
Sorry, hun, Photoshop wasn’t responsible for those scandalous pictures that spread around the internet. Raging hormones, a full-length mirror, and a boyfriend who looks like (or is) Zac Efron would tempt any teen girl to snap some pics on her cell. And in her case, those were exactly the culprits. Let it be a lesson to the rest of you: panties on, phone down.
Village Idiot: Miley Cyrus
Let’s start by establishing that she’s 17. From giving lap dances to men twice her age to grinding and writhing on the stages of seedy clubs all over the world, Destiny Hope Cyrus is just as tacky as her name implies. I know, I know…all she wants to do is grow up and prove to everyone what an adult she is. She grew up in the industry and is ten times savvier than I will ever be. Okay. She has a hot (and older) boyfriend with whom she may or may not be living. Fine. Her little sister is a bigger skankwhore than Miley will ever be. True. But still. 17, people. She’s 17.
Missing- Petite Blonde with Horrible Extensions: Christina Aguilera
Sure, back in her Dirty days she did a brief stint in the horrifying land of Disney creations, but somehow girlfriend escaped. Another Mouseketeer gone bad, Xtina shed her mouse ears for some assless chaps, a spray tan, and a music video that made a boxing fan of every man with access to MTV. But from the depths, Ms. Aguilera clawed her way out. She got a respectable haircut, married a nice Jewish man, and had a freakin’ adorable son, Max. Cheers to the one who got away barely escaped.
So what have we learned here? Well, for starters Disney breeds monsters. Drunk, slutty, strung-out ones. And if you’re in Mickey’s clutches, chances are you’re going to end up stumbling down the same path that you’re predecessors had previously puked and passed out on. As Demi Lovato departs for some much-needed time in rehab, we can only hope she gets her mess together and seeks future employment elsewhere.