Gossip Girl: Dan’s Got a Special Birthday Gift for Ms. Blair

OK, let’s get the best part of the show out of the way early, shall we? Blair pushed Rachel Zoe down, a fondue chocolate bowl fell on her head, and she said, “I die” in that deranged elf voice.  And I trembled with glee. It was BANANAS. Not to mention, that was probably enough calories for Zoe for the week!

Moving on.

When the leaves turn, it’s time for Blair’s birthday, a shiz-ton of scheming, and an ending make-out scene that had me staring at the TV screen in a mix of delight (“FINALLY!”) and horror (“there are middle schoolers watchign this!”). That’s right, Chuck and Blair pull out the sauce….on the piano.  In the words of everyone’s favorite housekeeper, “Happy Birthday Meeeez Blair!”

Could you handle it?  I couldn’t.  I screamed. I jumped up. I couldn’t even swallow amidst all that hair pulling, panty ripping and aggressive kissing, which wouldn’t be a big deal had I not just took a giant swig of extra hot chocolate. Yeah, burn. Literally (Rachel Zoe voice).

It’s a good thing that happened, though, because last night’s ep needed something to redeem it. Then again, I’ve come to learn that Gossip Girl‘s creators always have a knack for ending a craptastic episode with something so great I can’t help but count down the seconds until the next week.

But that (and the whole “don’t drink hot cocoa while watching GG” thing) is not the only thing I learned from this week’s Gossip Girl. So, ladies and gents, let’s see what other wisdom Gossip Girl imparted on us all. Think of me as your just-as-sexy-as-Collin professor and pay attention:

“Coffee is the thing you have, before you pay the check and have sex.” -Blair
Blair is such a wise woman.  Because it’s true – Serena and Colin can barely keep their hands off of each other.  When S talks about bagels, she really wants breakfast in bed, people!  So much so that Serena finally gives in even though she “likes him too much to do this right now,” and Juliet finds out Serena’s dating her cousin, and she video tapes their make out sesh.

OK, I’m dying GG, what is Serena responsible for?  Why does Ben and Juliet want her sabotaged/ expelled?  Why is Collin going to ruin everything? It’s her roots, isn’t it? Or maybe Juliet is uber jealous of Serena’s buoyant breasts?! (I know I am…)

“Peace time is the perfect time for a side strike.” –Dan
GG is right, it seems like the leaves aren’t the only thing changing this fall.  The Brooklyn boy is in it to win it. Dan is so mad his (gothic Barbie) sister remains quarantined upstate, he’s willing to do anything to bring her back. Nevermind the fact that no one (not even Blair) can really keep Jenny out of Manhattan, this is JENNY, bro. Remember when she sabotaged the family? Or when she dropped out of school? Or when she VOLUNTARILY slept with Chuck Bass? She’s not worth all the scheming. If you really want to see her (it’s your prerogative, I guess), take the Bass limo and go pick her skanky ass up. Boom. Anniversary party saved.

All books and no sex? Guys don’t wait.  When they’re not getting any from you…[fill in the blank]” –Juliet
Thanks Juliet, you little (old) slutbag.  I don’t know what you’re doing to convince all these morons that you’re a good person (or an actual college student… SERIOUSLY, what is wrong with everyone!?), but you are always good for some sound advice. I’m so glad the tweens of the world were watching and listening.

“All powerful people have enemies.” –Blair
And all along I just thought enemies were reserved for beautiful people and bloggers, but B is right. Lucky for Blair, hers is Chuck. And lucky for both of them, enemies have hot, angry sex.

“Screw the bar, the good stuff is in the kitchen.” –Blair
Right on, girlfriend.  And she’s not just talking about the Grey Goose.  In the kitchen, Collin is in the midst of getting mad at Juliet and it looks like Juliet is dating Collin so Nate gets mad at Juliet and Juliet finds out Serena is really dating Collin.  Woah, which way is up?? See? Blair told you all the good stuff is in the kitchen!

“It only takes one video to topple an entire career.” -Blair
Even if that video is just some harmless, drunken karaoke. Provided by Robyn. (Yeah, I have no idea how she fit into all of this either. Very creative, writers!)

Not really sure how that could ruin Blair’s life or how Dan even knew that existed, but allow me to share a lesson with Blair (if she’s reading): sex tapes MAKE careers. Just ask Kim Kardashian! You want to make a comeback? Get Dorota to hold the FlipCam while you and Chuck get. it. onnnnn. on the piano. Crisis averted.

“You have to allow  yourself to be weak and grow stronger. You don’t have to lose the girl to be a woman. You just need to think about who’s going to be around when you let her out.” -Eleanor
Who knew Eleanor was so full of cheesy cliches? Regardless, it was deep… in that “my fortune cookie is talking to me” sorta way.

“There can never be peace when all of the guns are loaded and full of ammunition.” -Gossip Girl
And if that whole scene on the piano proves anything, it’s that Chuck’s gun is fully loaded. Meow.

Class dismissed.

(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

Candy Dish: Kimora Lee Simmons Wants You
Candy Dish: Kimora Lee Simmons Wants You
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