Career Tips for Speidi

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Jump-starting your music career: $2 million
Cultivating a collection of magic crystals: $500,000
Surgically enhanced boobs that double as a life jacket: $300,000

Your favorite reality villains going completely broke: Priceless.

In a move that had to have been endorsed by God Himself, the fates that be zapped all of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag’s money into oblivion.  They’re bust.  Belly up.  Runnin’ on empty.  Got less dough than a Pizza Hut.  Basically, they’re poor.

Some sources are saying it’s because Heidi’s never met a designer bag she didn’t need to have, others are saying Spencer’s the one with the shopping problem.  From night vision goggles to NASA approved telescopes, he’s got more gadgets in his house than Stephen Hawking has on his wheelchair.  Add to this the fact that they owe money on various back taxes and mortgages and that The Hills (aka their paycheck) no longer exists…it becomes supremely clear that Speidi are in need of a career reboot.  Or at least a short-term scam to earn them some extra green.

But what can these two- okay, four if we’re counting Heidi’s…friends- washed up reality stars do that they haven’t already done?

Write a book on positive body image and go on a nationwide tour promoting natural beauty.  Because Heidi clearly embraces these values.  And Spencer loves a flat-chested woman.  Little girls everywhere would benefit from their wisdom and perspective since they’re two healthy individuals who successfully shunned the pressures of living in Hollywood.

Run for public office. The Governator proved that dreams really can come true, and Speidi already know where there political affiliations lie.  Free health care?  Try free nose jobs.  Gun control?  As if.  Sister wives for all?  Probably.  If we can’t see a Palin 2012, perhaps there’s room for a Pratt/Montag ticket in Washington.

Get real jobs. And be like the rest of us?  Please.  Next idea.

Make a porno. Not a sex tape, mind you.  But a properly produced, fancy lighting, no handheld cams porno.  I mean, aren’t you wondering how Heidi’s implants handle when put to the test?  No?  Wait, why are you vomiting?  Don’t cover your eyes!  Okay, so maybe it’s more like a horror movie…

Soap operas. Bad acting, senseless plots, petty drama… I mean, they’ve kinda got some experience already.  I can see it now: Heidi as the younger mistress, Spencer as the seedy nightclub owner.  They fall in love, but (!!) his wife (guest appearance by Audrina) wakes from her coma and discovers their affair.  Extensions and fake nails go flying!  Come on.  If James Franco can do it, so can Frankentitties and her furry-faced ex-husband.

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