Sexy Time: Sexual Compatibility

Rejection is hard no matter where it comes from. Whether it’s somebody at the bar, a school, or a job, it just really sucks. Now imagine if that rejection comes from somebody you love, hell, imagine if it’s coming from the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Ouch, right? The sad thing is that this happens all the time – not out of spite or not being in love, but because couples don’t take into consideration one very important thing to talk about: sexual compatibility.

There are some things that should be discussed at the outset of every relationship – ground rules, expectations, fast-growing tumors, but for some reason sexual compatibility seems to often be bypassed during these discussions. Partially because some people think it’s not important, and partially because they remain hopeful that either they or their partner are going to “warm up” to sex and eventually, once the relationship gets going, the sex will be frequent and awesome.

Some luck out and the “wait it out” strategy works, but that’s not always the case.

Ups-and-downs in sexual frequency are totally normal in any relationship. We hit that honeymoon newly-in-love phase, and find ourselves constantly naked, but eventually things die down – and that’s to be expected. But if you expect your partner to be monogamous, then your sex drive affects them too. Failing to discuss your ideal sex life is a huge mistake — if you’ve got a very low or very high sex drive, your partner deserves to know. Realizing in the middle of an LTR that you’re severely sexually incompatible can be a really big issue to deal with. It might even be the make-or-break point in your relationship.

It’s not all about being horny, either – it’s about intimacy, closeness, and feeling desired by your partner. For the person who wants sex the most (no, this isn’t always the man), having a higher sex drive is going to lead to rejection… and lots of it. Not only is this immensely frustrating, but it’s also not good for your ego. You might start to feel like something is wrong with you (“why does my partner not want to have sex with me?”), and as with any other kind of rejection, dealing with it constantly has gotta cause some damage to your self-esteem. And for the partner with the lower sex drive (also, not always the woman), it’s frustrating to be “bothered” for sex on a constant basis. You might start to feel that there is something wrong with your low sex drive, or worse, that your partner only ever wants to have sex.

As I’ve mentioned before, sex is a completely reasonable deal breaker. No one should have to live with constant rejection or with having to constantly reject their partners. When a relationship is sexually incompatible, it’s bad for both parties. So what do you do, stand it on a handshake and try to be friends? Possibly. But there are other things to try before calling it quits.

When you’re in a monogamous relationship, it becomes your responsibility to make sure your partner is sexually satisfied. No, I do not mean that you have to have sex with them every time they want it, and no, I do not mean that they own your genitals and can make you do it even if you don’t want to. By responsibility I mean that it’s your job to understand that your sex drive – high or low – affects two people, and it’s your responsibility to figure out how you can both be satisfied.

Compromise is going to be your friend here – and to be honest, it’s the only way a sexually incompatible couple fighting through all the negative feelings that come with mis-matched sex drives can deal with such an issue. The partner with the higher sex drive needs to come to a reasonable compromise as to the frequency of sex – once a week, or every two weeks, maybe? And the person with the low sex drive needs to be GGG and figure out ways they can meet that need. You don’t have to have intercourse always, but you need to do something. Compromise with some bi-weekly oral sex, or some mutual masturbation (er,  assisted masturbation?).

This seems like a lot of work to deal with one problem in a relationship, doesn’t it? It is a ton of work – and sometimes you can find a solution, and sometimes you can’t. So have the flippin’ conversation at the beginning! A question as simple as, “so, ideally, how many times a week do you like to have sex?” should get the ball rolling in the right direction. It might seem like a weird thing to discuss, and it might be a little awkward at first, but it’s better to realize it now, in college, than 15 years from now when you’re married with three kids.

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