I’ve been in a grand total of (roughly) 32 college courses during my college career. I did a little math (with my cell phone calculator because I haven’t taken a math class since high school) and that puts about 960 students in my life. That’s a lot of
a-holes students in a small classroom.
So in honor of National Dunce Day, I wanted to take a moment and highlight those people in class who make our hair stand up on our arms, the muscles in our cheekbones twitch, and our blood pressures rise.
Today is their day. Hopefully they’ll celebrate by taking the day off from school….
The Overachiever: This kid just makes everyone look bad. Where is she getting all of these intelligent answers? Is she related to Aristotle? Is she the professor’s daughter? Is she wearing a power suit and a tie? Doesn’t she know that doing the reading makes the rest of us look bad? Talk about being selfish.
The A+ Slacker: The kid who doesn’t do anything but still manages to get a great grade on your group project. Seriously, he sits there in class with with his thumb up his butt as you pray to any and all gods that you don’t get stuck in a group with him. But of course you do. Then he misses every group meeting, without even having the courtesy to make up an excuse, and leaves you to do all the work. And when it’s all said and Powerpointed, he walks away with an A… for no effort.
The Momentarily Deaf: This guy asks the token questions the teacher just went over, five times. Not only has the question already been answered, but it’s right on the front page of the syllabus. And written in giant letters on the board. And if that’s not bad enough, homeboy waits until you only have a minute left of class to shoot his hand up and be all like, “wait, so class is at 9 a.m every, single Monday?”
The Eater: Besides the textbooks, notebooks and writing utensils filling up this student’s bag, he’s got a full on Subway feast (that somehow always includes a potent tuna sandwich and extra crunchy chips) and chomps the shiz out of that shiz throughout the entire lecture. When he eventually finishes his three course meal and slurps up every last sip of that Coke, he spends 16 minutes mashing up the wrapper and practicing his non-existent basketball skills by trying to throw it into the garbage across the classroom. Oh, and note, he NEVER offers to share.
The Walking Sinus Infection: While most college students skip class for a mild hangover, Bubble Boy insists on coming to class with the flu. The highly contagious flu. And no, he doesn’t cover his mouth when he sneezes. And yes, he blows his nose every five seconds (investigating the contents thoroughly) and stacks his gooey, dirty tissues on top of his desk for all to see and
gag at enjoy.
The Dane Cook: This guy will crack jokes like he’s on stage with a stool and a water bottle. Every class discussion is a chance for him to test out his new molecular cell stand-up routine. It’s never funny. Like not even this-is-so-awkward-it’s-funny funny. It’s straight up annoying. Class isn’t a Comedy Central audition and you’re not sure why this kid insists on turning your 8 a.m recitation into an audio torture sesh.
The Perpetually Hungover: She comes to every class wearing huge sunglasses and designer sweats, nursing a water bottle, and telling anyone who will listen that she’s soooo hungover. Sure college is all about the party, but why is she constantly hungover on Wednesdays at 3 in the afternoon?