Seventeen Says The Darndest Things: December Edition

Seventeen magazine is supposed to inspire and mold the teens of this fine country into virtuous women, yes? So is anyone else incredibly worried that the November cover girl is none other than, Ke$ha, the hot mess who doesn’t value oral hygeine? Or that the words “AMAZING HAIR” are plastered over her straggly locks? Or that, in an interview with the infamous party girl, she expressed her dream of “starting a youth movement” with her latest album?

I mean, should we really be promoting Jack Daniels-fueled riots to 14-year-old girls?!

But that wasn’t even the most WTF part of this month’s issue. That title might go to the editors’ sage advice to send a “flirty” text message to the 8th grade boy you like by saying, “what would we be doing if I was with u right now?”  So flirty texting is the new euphemism for middle school sexting?  Cool.

But wait! There’s more. And it makes sexting advice look like a Disney movie.

Welcome to Seventeen’s guide to decoding the etiquette and mystique that surrounds America’s favorite pastime: porn. [Flips back to the cover to verify that she did not accidentally pick up an issue of Maxim.]

“The Real Deal About Dirty Movies”

Seventeen Says: “The bottom line is: as long as it’s not keeping you from doing things you enjoy or need to do, like going out with your friends on Friday night or finishing homework, you’re probably not addicted.”
Zara says: Maybe it’s just me, but I find something horribly wrong when possible porn addiction is addressed to people who have to “finish up homework.” Is this really a problem for pre-pubescent girls!?

Seventeen says: “Porn is often degrading and dangerous – people have sex without condoms, the men are almost always in control, and the women are sometimes mistreated or called names.”
Zara says: Wow! Now I totally get why so many young ladies are addicted! They make it sound so exciting! On another note….this sounds eerily similar to frat parties. Just sayin’.

Seventeen says: “Porn is designed to turn you on and it’s normal to feel a little guilty at first.  It’s like this new, forbidden (and totally fascinating) world.  Because it’s off-limits, though, it can make you feel guilty.”
Zara says: I read Seventeen when I was in 6th grade. At the ripe age of 22, I would yell at my 12-year-old self for reading something so blatantly inappropriate. Describing porn as fascinating to the same girls who have Jonas Brother posters on their walls?

I feel so….dirty.

Seventeen says: 82% of you have looked at porn.
Zara says: So 18% of you haven’t? WHAT IS WRONG WITH KIDS TODAY?!

Seventeen says (in response to the question “Do guys expect girls to act like porn stars?’): Some guys might, but you can spot them: they’re the same immature guys who make lewd comments about “doing it” or brag or lie about their hookups!”
Zara says: Yeah, these guys are easy to spot.  Really easy, actually, since they make up half of the population.  Or more. I mean, if 82% of little girls are watching it I can only assume that 100% of boys are. Bottom line: you can’t avoid them.

Seventeen says: The noises and facial expressions are all exaggerated, and the actresses’ bodies are often surgically enhanced, too!
Zara says: Maybe we’d all be better off if we shared that piece of information with boys instead of girls?

Candy Dish: First Date Don’ts
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