Ask a Dude: Why Won’t He Let Me Live My Life?

Hi Dude,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year. He was my best friend in the entire world for about 3 years before we started dating, and he means the world to me. But since I started college about 3 months ago, things have been getting really hard.

I go to a public university about an hour and a half away from my home town, and he’s in community college. And lately it seems like whenever we talk, I end up feeling guilty that I’m the one that away “living the college life” while he’s at home. And so, to make up for that, we’ve been visiting each other a lot. So much, that I see him almost every weekend, and about half of the time, that includes me going home. But as everything stands currently, I don’t feel like I’m really in college. I feel like I’m straddling two worlds and it hurts.

I love my boyfriend to death, but I don’t think I can go on seeing him with this much frequency if I am to get the most out of my four years. But every time I try to bring it up, he takes it as a sign that I’m giving up on our relationship. I don’t want to let him go, but I don’t know what to do.

— The Worst of Both Worlds

Dear TWoBW,

You can’t sacrifice growing as a person because of your boyfriend’s insecurities.

If he’s got a case of the green’s, then that’s a problem that you have to address and address to the extent of: “I’m not your possession. My life can’t revolve around you. If you’re so terrified to see me every other week then how can I believe you trust me? How can I believe you want what’s best for me?”

Because he can’t if he can’t, so you need to find out if he can’t.

My mantra is “communication is key.” If you’re afraid to talk about something with him then that’s a warning sign of something being very wrong presently in the relationship. Sit him down and ask him. His fear is a defense mechanism against being left behind. Don’t let it stop you. Push forward. Talk it out. Addressing your issue has got a better success rate than doing “the naked man” on a first date.

College is a time to explore new paths. However, when your girlfriend/boyfriend goes away while you stay put, there’s a fear of being outgrown and abandoned. That’s possibly what he’s dealing with. This sets the needy types into fits of jealousy and mistrust. Is it rational? Are most emotional responses? There’s an intrapsychic constellation connecting events to responses at work here. If you love him, then try to help him create some detours that lead to supportive and positive responses. If he won’t do that work and give you the freedom that comes with trust which is the result of being secure in your relationship…well that’s a long walk off of a short cliff.

You can’t give up a life you still want to find because someone makes you feel guilty about wanting to find it. If you do, you’ll regret it and resent him. If he won’t let you then he’s proven himself to be dead weight.

Fear can’t rule your life. Not your fear. Not his.

The Dude

[Isn’t he wise? Don’t you wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude’s other insights into the male mind right here.]

Tuffy Luv Can’t Believe This Ashhole
Tuffy Luv Can’t Believe This Ashhole
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