My Dream Dorm Checklist

According to our friends at The Huffington Post, the prices of dorm living are getting absolutely ridiculous. The highest right now is going for over seventeen grand at The New School! I don’t know about you, but when I think of dorm living, I imagine cramped quarters, worn carpeting, and communal bathrooms – nothing worth spending a year’s salary on. (And as an aspiring writer, that’s most def a year’s salary.)

With that being said, if I’m shelling out that kind of cash for a room in a dorm, I’m getting diva-esque.

Check out my list of non-negotiable demands:

1. Mini-bar: Yes, I want it fully stocked. All the time. Basically someone is going to have to come in and refill it every few days (when there’s food involved, I work quickly). We’re talking Swiss chocolates, French cheese, and Russian libations. And you better believe that a bottle of bubbly needs to make its way in there for special occasions.

2. Personal washer and dryers: If I’m paying big money, I want luxury. For some reason, hauling a trash bag full of dirty delicates doesn’t fit in with my picture of luxury. Oh and they better have a quiet spin cycle, because I have to study.

3. Floor chefs: Just for the days when I’m too tired to walk to the dining hall. Each floor needs its own cook – preferably someone who is well versed in the art of sushi rolling. However I’m open to all culinary specialties, I’m not a brat.

4. Big screen TV: Complete with all cable channels. (I can’t be watching Entourage on my laptop!)

5. A spa in the lobby: With the ridiculous price tag, I won’t be able to afford my weekly mani/pedi….and that’s just unacceptable. A spa set up in the lobby is the solution to this problem – obviously all service will be complimentary…and my manicurist won’t talk about me in a language I can’t understand.

6. Private bathroom/showers: Which will be attached to my (SINGLE) room by a huge, walk-in closet.

7. Tempurpedic mattress: You really think I’m going to pay $17, 000 to sleep on one of those nasty dorm mattresses? Oh, HELL no.

8. Soft-serve machine: If I don’t have one of these, I’ll be forced to eat Ben and Jerry’s out of the carton like a regular college student. We can’t have that, now can we?

9. Rooftop pool: And it better be heated. Adjacent hot tub is optional.

10. A time machine: I need it to take me to directly to Friday night with the click of a button. Okay, FINE, I’ll shell out on extra grand for this.

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