The Morning After: The Angry Toilet

[Everyone’s got a morning after story (though most don’t involve the walk of shame and someone’s dad) and we wanna hear yours! Send it over to us and we’ll post it – anonymously, of course – right here!]

“Chug! Chug! Chug!” was all I heard as I funneled my Natty Light. I was standing on a table (don’t judge) at the dirtiest best frat house on campus, my head tilted back, guzzling down that cheap beer like it was going out of style. (Editor’s Note: Was Natty Light ever in style?) When I was done, I jumped off the table, did a little curtsy and high fived a couple boys, before grabbing my roommate by the arm and dragging her toward the bathroom.

That being my 5th (or 6th? 7th?) beer of the night, it had gone straight through me and there was no way I was going to wait in that bathroom line all by myself.

The line was long but I didn’t mind. It gave me plenty of time to soak up all the “you go girl”s and “you’ve got mad chugging skills, woman”s that came my way. I smiled, blushed and crossed my legs to keep my broken seal from dripping down my legs.

When it was finally my turn, my roomie and I rushed in so I could relive my bladder and dissect my arch enemy’s truly hideous outfit choice for the night (the girl was wearing a skirt so short I could see if she was ovulating….. needless to say, there was plenty to talk about). We were so caught up in our conversation (and perhaps taking a few funny bathroom pics) that we ignored the angry knocks on the door (as well as the angry, “what are you doing in there, pooping?”) and took our own sweet time.

Finally, we were done. I stood up,  buttoned up my shorts and flushed the toilet (with my shoe, of course). I was in the middle of washing my hands when my friend started screaming. I looked down and realized that the toilet was overflowing. All over the floor. And it wasn’t stopping.

“OMG! I ONLY PEED! I ONLY PEED!” I screamed as dirty toilet water seeped into my flats.
“OK, pause. Is there a plunger? Let’s find a plunger.” There was no plunger…but there were more violent knocks on the door….and a lot of water seeping towards it.

“What do we do!? Everyone is going to think I pooped!”
“Dude, we need to get out of here. My shoes are going to be ruined,” my roommate screamed as she jumped up on the sink counter.
“YOUR SHOES? What about my dignity? I can’t go out there. OMG. OMFG.”

I considered climbing out the window for a moment but then realized that I’d have to step on the overflowing toilet to get out. That wasn’t going to happen and, my shoes officially water-logged, I had no option but to open the door.

So I did.

Before the crowd of people now surrounding the door could say anything, I grabbed my roomie’s arm and ran (more like slopped) towards the door. We made it there in record time, but not before hearing “Hey! Funnel girl flooded the toilet!”

I didn’t stop running until I was home.

That’s the last time I flush at a frat house.

[You think that’s bad? Check out our other cringe-worthy Morning After stories.]

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