It’s finally here, Thanksgiving. The only American holiday that goes hand and hand with elastic waistband pants. Just a few months ago your parents dropped you off at school with advice like “study hard” and “don’t drink anything out of a trashcan.” Since then, you’ve basked in the glory of freedom and the scent of stale beer and your first walk of shame.
However, you’re still excited to travel home and relax. Quite frankly, studying and your hoppin’ college social life has wrung you out like a dishcloth and you’re ready for some R&R, hot gravy, and a serious post-feast nap. It turns out though, freedom has sent everything your mother taught you completely backwards, and you’ve endured some weird habits in college. Let’s just keep one thing straight, like your orange zubaz don’t quite ‘go’ with your blazer, some college behavior doesn’t transfer well into cute, family time.
Let us examine the do’s and don’ts of being home for a lengthy weekend:
Do: Request all of your favorite foods from Mom (and take home all the leftovers).
Don’t: Request a run to liquor store where she buys enough booze to stock your under-aged arse throughChristmas.
Do: Take the hottest and steamiest shower known to mankind, use tons of your mom’s expensive shampoo, and five towels to dry (one for your legs, one for your hair, one for your upper body, one for your face…you get the point).
Don’t: Bring home the hottest, steamiest boy from your high school for a little post-bar fun.
Do: Sit down and watch as many movies as you can, while you cuddle with your cat, side-read a book, and drink hot chocolate.
Don’t: Sit down and watch as many dirty/funny YouTube videos at the kitchen table next to your Grandmother (who’s visiting for the weekend) while you side-read ‘Love, Lust, and Faking it’ by Jenny McCarthy.
Do: Sit down with your Mama, paint your toenails together, and get some applicable, wise life advice.
Don’t: Sit down with Mama, and tell her the graphic story about how you stubbed your toe when you were drunk and crawling into your newest fling’s dorm room. Do us all a favor, cover the bruise with purple O.P.I. and call it a day.
Do: Call your BFF from college and tell her the story about reuniting with your friends and how much your ex gained all that “beer weight.” Take that.
Don’t: Chitty chat with the bestie all weekend. You have a lot of leftovers to enjoy and conversing with the fam to do!
Do: Have some high school girlfriends over, order pizza, shoot the shiz, and play a board game or something. It’s been, like, three months since you’ve got up with these losers so make that reunion happen!
Don’t: Have your entire high school class over for a kegger while your parents are out for the night and welcome them home with stains on their carpet, and a passed out ex-Wildcats captain on their kitchen floor.
Do: Go shopping! We all know about Black Friday. Even better, go online shopping. That why, you don’t have to put down the stuffing to fill up your shopping cart.
Don’t: Go shopping and make your poor mother buy you a costume from Ragstock for the upcoming ‘no pants’ theme party back in college town.
Do: Have your Mom wash your North Face and get out the Ugg boots spray. They are starting to look weathered, and you have to look supa’ fly walking to class next week!
Don’t: Have your Mom wash that mysterious stain off of your homecoming jersey…please, Tide Sticks are selling like hot cakes for a reason.
Do: Wake up at noon, and fall back asleep for three hours just because you can.
Don’t: Wake up next to the face of your life’s regret, the guy who broke up with you your senior year so he could “have fun in college.”
Got any other tips for a successful/not awkward/G-rated Thanksgiving break at home? Leave ’em below!