Cosmo Says The Darndest Things: December Edition

Guess who’s making a cameo on the cover of Cosmo this month?  None other than, Julia Stiles!  Wait, the current younger generation probably doesn’t even know who this homeskillet is. Girlfriend, where have you been? I haven’t seen her in Hollywood since she rocked the boat in Save the Last Dance. (Oh, oopsie poopsie, Cosmo just informed me she has a dark role in Dexter, muh bad).

Still, you can only imagine I was surprised she was gracing the cover of Cosmo in that leather sheath this month.  I’m dying to crack open the mag and see ‘The Side of Julia I Haven’t Seen Before.‘  I’m quivering with excitement to see what she’s been up to all these mysterious years behind the spotlight…(one of the most intriguing things: a building fear of pigeons).

As quickly as I was surprised about Julia Styles’ birth back into Hollywood-dom, I forgot about it.  So, let’s move on.

Under Cosmo News, the magazine debuted the Hollywood Newlyweds who were most in love. Unfortunately for newlywed, Hilary Duff – her and hubby Mike Comrie have “space issues.”  Trouble in paradise, people.

In the middle of the mag, Cosmo created their own line of greeting cards starring celebs. As you can imagine, this wasn’t at all hilarious.  Especially when they put Justin Bieber‘s face on an elf costume with slogan ‘Look Who We Found in Santa’s Workshop?’  Ew, Cosmo.

Oh, and before I forget to mention it, there was an article called ‘Make Him Burn With Pleasure.’ No, Cosmo wasn’t encouraging you give him an STD. They want you to microwave his socks, put them on, and squeeze his feet. Why didn’t I think of something as hawt as this before!?!

In my fave feature, ‘101 Things About Men,’ Cosmo dispensed some pretty interesting factoids and advice. They even tried to help us ‘beat the slow fade’ in a relationship by ‘being extra intriguing on Facebook.’ Yes, you read that right; Cosmo wants us to “use Facebook to flaunt all the cool sh*t you’ve been up to.”  No Cosmo, just no.  Sometimes I’m bummed I still read this.

But after giving myself a pep talk (“Just one more page!”), I came across the best advice this month’s issue had to offer: ‘Decode His Driving Style.’ Because the way he grasps onto a steering wheel obviously gives it all away.

Cosmo Says: He reclines and has one hand on top of the wheel at 12. This guy is dominant.  By leaning his seat back, he’s taking up as much space as possible to claim his territory. And his steering style is his way of showing he’s so in control, he can do it one-handed.
Brittany Says:
Or maybe he is a typical dude, who likes to listen to Tupac, roll the windows down and relax. Wait, he’s in control because he can perfect the wheel-stirring one handed!? Hold the press, I gots to get me a one-handed-driving man!

Cosmo Says: He’s sitting up straight, with his hands at 10 and 2. He’s practical. He keeps his hands firmly in this position because it’s convenient to the horn, turn signal, and lights – in case he should need, well anything.
Brittany Says:
The last time I checked, I found the horn pretty conveniently placed on the steering wheel.  I don’t care if I was driving upside down, with my toes, while I read Cosmo – the horn, turn signal, and access to lights were pretty convenient.  This means nothing to me.

Cosmo Says: He’s slouched in his seat with one hand at the wheel…at six. This guy is rebellious. He has a bit of a spontaneous streak, and he always has one hand free to be ready to deal with the radio, grab a drink, or whatever-in-the-moment craving he has.
Brittany Says:
Whew, boys – slow your roll if you’re lazily gripping the steering wheel at six.  I just don’t think I could handle a man with this amount of rebellion.

Cosmo Says: He’s crouched up to the wheel and gripping it at 11 and 1. This type is insecure. He doesn’t feel like he’s in control, so he clings to the wheel with his hands.
Brittany Says:
Or he’s just a terribly cautious driver and realizes what precious cargo he’s got in the passenger seat.

Check out what other madness the mags are spilling each month.

Candy Dish: Get Me Some of This Bling
Candy Dish: Get Me Some of This Bling
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