Gossip Girl Recap: This Isn’t J’s First Masquerade Party

The entire season of Gossip Girl thus far has been the foreplay to the ultimate climax in a brewing ‘Serana take down’ courtesy of Team Brooklyn (i.e. Jenny, Vanessa, and Juliet).  And not the good kind that gets you all hot and bothered. More like ‘what the hell are you doing with your hands, drunken frat pledge?’ foreplay. Read: horrific.

But we finally reached the climax and despite my expectations that it just wouldn’t happen (and I’d have to channel my inner Meg Ryan a la ‘When Harry Met Sally’), we had a toe curling, fireworks extravaganza last night that left me jonesing for a cigarette. (Not that I smoke, but it just seemed appropriate after that hot, hot Blair/Chuck sexy sesh. DAYUMMM.)

I knew Serena was going down, but whew, girl didn’t even get a chance to go down with a fight!  Like they say on the Upper East Side, the possibilities are endless.

Since we are on the precipice of one of my favorite holidays of the year (Thanksgiving!), I thought it would only be appropriate to create the perfect recipe for every Gossip Girl episode.  Even though this particular Monday evening run had a few more twists, turns and ingriedents than normal, I feel like I’ve seen all of this before.  So here we go, let’s cook up some GG casserole, shall we?

A Spoonful of Lily Trying to Fix Serena’s Reputation By Writing a Check
Poor Serena, the scheming efforts of Team Brooklyn have led S’s flesh and blood mother to assume the worst. And weird, Lily is stuck writing another check to buy Serena a mended reputation. Well, pshh, that’s never happened before.

Two Teaspoons of Blair Trying to be an Empowering Women
Since Mr. Chuck isn’t a blurter and meant what he said when he let intense sexual pleasures dull his senses thus voicing the three one-syllable words, Blair and Chuck announce they are back together. Well, they’re forced to announce it when Serena’s Doppelganger exposes them, but whatev. It happened. Unfortunately for Chuck (and every single viewer who has only hung on this season because of those two) it didn’t last long. Blair wants to be her own woman. You know, like Hillary Clinton, but with better hair. “I have to be Blair Waldorf before I’m Chuck Bass’ girlfriend.” Awww.

Can you guys still have brainstorming sessions while in bed, please?  That is a beautiful relationship.  Nothing’s wrong with a lobster pot pie between friends! And since when was there an episode without it?

Crack an Egg and Mix it With in Someone’s Jealousy Problem with Serena
I don’t care what it is, someone is always jealous of S.  In this case, it’s me (I just want her freaking wardrobe, OK?), Juliet and the two Brooklyn b*tches. These girls want everyone against Serena so she can finally feel like an outsider like them.  So go ahead, Juliet – steal Serena’s Sim Card and continue to spend your days trying to ruin her life and pull her out of Columbia.  We get it, you weren’t born (in 1965) with a silver spoon in your mouth. But just know, you aren’t the first person to try to do this and you definitely won’t be the last. With that hair, that beauty, that body, and all that money, there’s always someone trying to steal Serena’s thunder. Wouldn’t be a tasty GG pie without it.

Sprinkle in Some Man Competition Between Lonely Boy and Golden Boy
These dudes have been competing for S since day one. Blah blah blah but they’re still friends blah blah blah. Blah blah blah let the best man win blah blah blah.  Nate wins. Blah blah blah. Dan wins. This is the ongoing love triangle and without it, what would Gossip Girl do with all her live video?? (The bigger question is, how does no one notice when someone is shooting live video of them?)

Let Ingredients Set for Three Hours and Go Shopping
Because Ducks and Dorota don’t compare to the Zen of shopping, right S?  When isn’t someone buying a new couture dress on Gossip Girl?

Add One Cup of Nate Saying Someone Thick
Like, “That doesn’t mean I love you, that means I love having sex with you.”

Mix All Current Ingredients With a Party in a Hotel
It wouldn’t be the perfect Gossip Girl without mixing together all of our lovely ingredients with a creative party at an expensive hotel.  Seriously, this is where the good shiz goes down.  Like figuring out what Little J looks like without all that eyeliner, who’s a saint or a sinner, a liar or a loyal friend, a good kisser or a bad kisser.  Hey J, don’t accidently kiss Lonely Boy!  No joke, I was nervous for a moment there and after the season we’ve had, I was pretty sure the GG writing team was going to let that happen.

Let Bake
Cook that freaky dish until it comes out with Serena’s life ruined, the entire Upper East Side against her, Nate and Dan besties with testies, Vanessa showing zero initiative, and Lily continuing to slam Rufus’ cooking.

Pleasant dreams sweet angels.

Until next time (in 2 [!!] weeks),
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

Candy Dish: Get a Second Date
Candy Dish: Get a Second Date
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