So you’re going home for Thanksgiving. Clean clothes, fresh sheets, and comfort food? Wise choice, my friend, wise choice indeed. While you’re sitting ‘round the table giving thanks for the bountiful feast laid out before you, it might be best to omit these observances from your polite dinnertime conversation…
1. This year I’m thankful for not catching herpes from that guy who I found out (too late) had sex with half the Greek Village. The female half. Mostly. I think.
2. I was hiding an open bottle of vodka under the table, but it’s not there anymore. You think the baby took it?
3. This stuffing would be ten times better if I was drunk.
4. Could you do that again with the cauliflower soup? When you pour it that way it kinda looks like jizz. Don’t you think? Anyone?
5. Hey, Uncle Joe- you’ve got a little of that soup dribbling down your chin. Hahaha! Heh. Heh…
6. Whoop! Looks like little Frankie was the one with the vodka. I think he just threw up in the green bean casserole. Or wait, is it supposed to look like that?
7. Turkey really does make you exhausted! Gosh, I feel like I just got banged by the entire lacrosse team. Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything. I’m more a David Beckham/soccer-team-only kinda girl. Now those boys I’d let have their way with me!
8. I became a vegetarian in college after PETA came and visited campus. Do you know what they do to these birds before they land here on the table? I’ve got a few picture brochures up in my room. I’ll go grab them. You’d never imagine how they break their necks, it’s sick.
9. Hmm…this gravy might make tasty lube.
10. The apple pie is so freakin’ delicious I want rub it all over myself and invite Hot Scott from the guys’ dorm to eat it off of me.