Glamour Says The Darndest Things: December Edition

I’m not even going to address the awful job Glamour’s Photoshop guru did on Fergie’s face. Nor am I going to snark on the velvet onesie the wardrobe department put her in. Clearly, everyone over there is jealous that Fergie is boning Josh Duhamel and they’re…not.

I’m pretty sure most of us have made peace with this heartbreaking reality, and they really should too.

This month is Glamour’s 20th anniversary of their “Women of the Year” celebration, which you may think means a much heavier emphasis on the women who are setting the world on fire…and, yes, that’s true, if by “much heavier,” you mean “about 10 pages worth of footage.” Because heaven forbid we take a prolonged break from discussing the latest trends in red lipstick or the return of the side ponytail or trying to decipher the stupid signals dudes send us.

(Actually, I’m glad they didn’t, because then what would I write about?)

For an issue that is supposed to be inspiring women, I was feeling pretty dejected reading through it. Glamour made me feel skanky (by declaring leather leggings a “don’t, unless you’re Lindsay Lohan”), unhygienic (did you know you’re supposed to give fruit not just a water rinse-off, but a VINEGAR rinse too?), and sexually unadventurous (because I have no desire to try tantric sex).

And then I came across an article that was so absurd that I had no choice but to feel a lot better about myself because at least I’m not clueless enough to take this advice seriously.

Five Sexy Texts You Won’t Regret in the Morning

To the new guy you made out with for 27 minutes last night:
Glamour says:: “Invested in some lip balm. U need some? Happy to share.”
Jasmine says: My inner grammar-nerd is dying at the substitution of “u” for “you.” But besides that, if you only made out for a guy for less than half an hour (and you actually clocked it to the exact minute), then I’m thinking the make out wasn’t that great, and the last thing you need to do is encourage more chapped-lip inducing shenanigans.

To your boyfriend who’s at a work party.
Glamour says: “Have fun 2nite. Afterparty @ my place?”
Jasmine says: This text reads like such a douche-bro text. Like something any of the oh-so-charming guys from The Hills would send to LC and co. Not cute. What’s wrong with a classic, “Can’t wait to see you tonight [insert cutesy emoticon of your choice here]”?

To your guy whose football team just lost
Glamour says: “Sorry re: the game. U might score l8r 2nite tho…”
Jasmine says: If you’re old enough to be sexting, I think you’re also old enough to come up with something more clever than a played out sportsy metaphor for sex.

To the man who needs cheering up
Glamour says:: “Pictured u naked during mtg. Boss asked why u smiling.”
Jasmine says: Men actually have feelings that extend beyond sex. Maybe to cheer your boy up, compliment his character?

To the significant other who’s working late
Glamour says: “Getting in bath. Will u b home 2 towel me off or should I drip dry?”
Jasmine says: I’m all for late-night sexy times, but if you know your boo having a long day, why not cater to him first? Wait for him to get home to take a bath together and towel each other off? Or is that too considerate?

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