Dear everyone who has made this semester possible,
In light of all the Thanksgiving warm-and-fuzzies people are exchanging, I would like to take a moment and thank you for helping me strive for my goals, both academic and otherwise, and assisting me in my greatest endeavors. Excelling this year is crucial, I understand that, and I’m just so grateful you all have decided to invest your efforts in my future.
And where would my manners be if I didn’t take the time to thank you all individually?
To my roommate: You. You, you, you. You’re one crazy mothereffer, you know that? When we first met, I didn’t think I’d last thirty seconds in your lair of crazy. Then you took me under your wing. You introduced me to Jager bombs and insisted that it was only suggested that students attend 8 a.m. lectures. You knew the entire men’s swim team. Now we’re the best of besties. Where would I be without you? Probably in some library wasting my life away. Or hanging out with the intramural chess geeks.
To my Poli-Sci TA: When I showed up forty minutes late to the midterm with a hangover and a severe case of sex hair, thank you for pretending not to notice. Also, thank you for providing me with a No. 2 pencil, an extra ScanTron in case I threw up on the first, and seat right next to you. You smell delicious and I really dig your beard.
To the janitor in the humanities building: Thank you for cleaning the third floor bathroom with such diligence. You know that’s my secret spot for getting business done. Selected not only for its reliable vacancy, but shiny linoleum and fresh pine scent as well, I look forward to spending a few minutes in there every Monday, Wednesday, and alternating Friday.
To the entire staff at Starbucks: Don’t think I don’t notice how frothy you make my frappuccinos. And when you slip me an extra shot of espresso in my morning latte? Glorious! Should my pre-law degree not pan out, I’m coming to join your fine team of individuals.
To the brothers of [Blah Blah Blah] fraternity: You have the most kegs. You have the strongest jello shots. You have the darkest, most cavernous basement. It is because of your hospitable nature that I got to third base with your Social Chair over Greek Week. A million thanks, guys. Really. It’s because of you alone that I can achieve the level of insanity that I do most weekends.
To Mom and Dad: Thank you for emotionally and financially backing me on this crazy adventure. Just so you know, that textbook money really did go toward textbooks…no worries. And I didn’t try to sell my meal plan for “drug money.” I don’t know what Amy’s mom was hinting at with that bizarre comment. Sure, I may have rented out my extra-long to the girl down the hall with the horrible room assignment, but since I met that cute senior I spend most nights at his place. I didn’t want any of your tuition costs to be wasted! See? I really am taking your advice and thinking like a fiscally responsible adult!
To my younger sister: Thanks for checking the caller ID for my name on Thursday through Sunday nights and making sure our parents don’t pick up my drunk-dial. I’ll return the favor when it’s your turn.
You’re all the best. More than any girl could ever wish for.